Speranza: A Note On The Title. The title obviously evokes Oscar Wilde's play "The Importance of Being Earnest," and that play's central pun is also the central issue of Julad's story--it's important both to "be Ernest" (in the sense of impersonating Ernest; both Jack and Algernon step into the role of Ernest at various points in the play) and to "be earnest" in the sense of being sincere. Justin, therefore, succeeds by being both Ernest/Brian and "earnest Brian" at various points in the story. And I think its very, very important that the spirit of Oscar Wilde hangs over this story for both literary and theoretical reasons.
Julad: so the original filename for this story was wwbd.txt-- "what would Brian do?" I was sort of vaguely thinking about Brian Kinney as God, Justin's acceptance of Brian as their saviour, etc. But early in, I changed the title to The Importance of Being Brian, just as a play off a famous title, and failed to see until Ces pointed it out that I was actually writing much closer to the play than I had realised.
The weirdness gets unavoidable when Brian refuses to get his job back.
Julad: Helen must be getting so sick of me talking about The Same Inside, but these days, whenever I start a story, I'm pretty much thinking, "Somehow, in the night, Chris had turned into a girl." I'm just like, 'right, what's the plot, let's get started.'
I need to mention early on that I write completely out of order, a scene here, a scene there, like scattered pieces of a puzzle. I leave myself notes and reminders of what I want to happen, and gradually the notes become an outline and the outline expands into a story as I flesh out the notes into scenes. Consequently it's hard to talk chronologically about the writing process, especially as there were a couple of major rewrites as the story changed.
Speranza adds: Yes, she does write out of order, and it makes it a pain in the ass to beta for her! I always feel inadequate doing Julad beta, because there's a scene and then a whole bunch of blank space and then another scene, and you have to try to imagine what the theme is that connects them. It's no surprise, actually, that I mainly end up talking to Julad about theory--it's all theory, because the rest of it is so roughed out. Completely antithetical to my own practice.
"What are you talking about?" Justin demands. "Gardner'll be shitting himself. You made Stockwell and then you destroyed him, and you could do the same to Vangard."
Brian rubs his forehead. "So?"
"So," Justin drawls, crawling across the bed for a kiss, "are you gonna start your own agency, or go back to Gardner?"
Brian twists his face away. "I'm gonna lie in bed and jerk off until my brain melts."
Judging by the state of the sheets, he's been doing that for some time already. "Go jerk off in the shower," Justin tells him. "Somebody needs to do your laundry."
The cleaning service went the way of the naked guy and the Mies Van Der Rohe coffee table, and Brian isn't dealing with that any more than he is with the bills or the sudden adoration and respect of his friends.
Julad: so, this is just the boring exposition, "hey look everyone! Brian's depressed!" except I'm trying to make it at least vaguely interesting.
"It was a pissy little victory that nobody will remember in a week," he snapped last night at Woody's, "and a month from now it'll be like it never even happened."
Julad: this was going to be a whole scene in itself, a whole Woody's scene with everyone, but by the end of the story I was looking at the remaining gaps and basically deleting my notes for what was going to go there. My notes for that scene were: [cruel to ted, cruel to emmett about it, refuses to look for michael, everyone looks at him disappointed, like, we know who you really are now, doesn't pick up, all weirdness and unBrian-- clinging to loft, sort of insecurity about it, doesn't want to let it go]
Justin takes the laundry to Daphne's, and tells her he'll be staying with Brian for a few days.
"Like that's news to anyone." She jumps up on onto the washing machine, swings her legs, and holds out a piece of red licorice to him.
Julad: ahhh, Daphne. This bit is mainly all about the Daphne. After I wrote the later scene where Daphne woke Justin with a kiss, I was like, I know what this story needs! More Daphne! So most of the scenes I had left to write-- the Diner, this one-- I put Daphne in them.
Justin takes a bite from the top, and chews slowly as he sorts out whites from colours.
"What are you gonna do about school?" she asks.
"Fuck school, I'll deal with that later." He suspects half of these shirts are dry-clean only, but if Brian can't do his own laundry, he can suck it up when Justin does it wrong. "Are you gonna get down from there," he asks Daph, "or do you want to sit and vibrate?"
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it's not just Saturday's leftover Thai on the counter, although that probably explains the smell. Brian hates untidiness, and yet there it is, escaped dust bunnies from under the missing couch and muddy footprints the removalists tracked in. Lost beer bottles have been slinking out of nooks and crannies since Brian's little orgy. A dozen coffee cups sit in the sink, and Brian's ignoring it all by sitting on the steps and reading.
Julad: the Hamlet refs are coming from Ces, although I think I put one in there originally because I remembered Mel Gibson carrying a book around all the time or something.
Speranza: Yeah, I was gonna say; I remember pushing the Hamlet on you.
The great case study in inaction, not to mention it sets you up so nice for
the feigned madness, and the genuine frustration of stillborn revenge.
"Brian," Justin says, filling the sink with water. "Come dry up for me."
"Maybe later," Brian says, frowning down at the page, and that's the most Justin's gotten out of him all day. He won't answer the phone, won't look at the want ads in the newspaper Justin brought him, doesn't want to check his email. He won't talk about Vangard, or Stockwell, or even Justin's suspension. He won't look at porn.
It's very disconcerting. They won the battle, but there's still a huge mess to clean up, Michael and credit cards and Brian's career and Brian's many very expensive bills, and also a shortage of furniture to fuck on, which is a serious threat to Justin's future happiness. This situation needs Brian to deal with it, but Brian's too busy playing Hamlet, for whatever fucking reason, to pay attention.
Brian, Justin concludes, is not being the best homosexual he can be. He, on the other hand, is a kickass fucking homosexual. In fact, with Brian offline, he's gone straight to the top of the list. That probably makes it his responsibility to earn a shitload of money, fuck hundreds of men, and keep shit stirred up until Brian reclaims his throne.
Julad: Josselin had issues with this in beta and I concede that yeah, it was lame. Basically I just had this idea-- Justin becomes Brian! and stuff! and didn't really care about the exact whys or hows. I left Justin's rather improbable decision to become Brian as one of the last things I wrote (because hell if I knew why Justin would do something like that) and by then I was just shoving sentences into gaps to get the thing finished.
Speranza: I think it's got to be a version of, "It's a dirty job, but
someone has to do it." Why didn't we use that line at the time?
It's not a bad plan, he thinks, wiping the counter clean. Plus he's getting bored now that he's not in school anymore, and it's something interesting to do -- step into Brian's shoes and see just how much he can get away with. It's the kind of outrageous stunt Brian would reward with an elaborate blowjob, if he wasn't currently part of the problem.
Outrageous temptation of fate seems to be how Brian operates, so that night Justin goes out, gets high, and prowls for the hottest guy on the dancefloor. Fate can resist anything but Brian Kinney's brand of temptation, it seems, becuase he's rewarded with not one but three fantastic fucks, and a new bartender who plies him with free cocktails in between and mind-blowing head after.
So far, Justin agrees with himself as he staggers up the stairwell to the loft, it's working perfectly. Brian's asleep when he gets inside, and doesn't want to fool around when Justin pounces on him. In fact, he seems very distant when he rolls over and pulls the covers over his head. The weirdness of Brian not wanting to take advantage of the hot, wasted, horny blond in his bed just confirms the need for this plan of action, and Justin goes to sleep mostly satisfied.
In the morning, after three glasses of guava juice to clear his hangover, Justin uses most of Brian's remaining cash to buy an Armani suit and matching shoes. The sales guy blows him in the change room, and Justin scowls at the discount he's offered after. He gets distracted by a waiter setting up tables at a cafe he passes two blocks down, and bends him over the cold deep fryer out back. He helps himself to two chocolate croissants when the guy disappears to clean up, and then rocks up at Vangard knowing he's got Brian's act nailed.
Julad: This scene was the first thing I wrote of this story, except I had to completely rewrite it. The original went:
After the hangover clears, the first thing Justin does is max out one more of Brian's credit cards on an Armani suit and Prada shoes. Then, because Brian would do it, he loses the suit jacket that night in the backroom of Babylon (great abs, perfect cocksucking lips). He gets the shoes filthy in the alley behind the Big Q the next morning (cute stockboy, maybe sixteen, very enthusiastic) and then rocks up at Vanguard in the suit pants and a Prodigy t-shirt.
Brian wouldn't be seen dead in the shirt, but Justin needs his own way of being Brian.
Gardner isn't happy to see him. "Didn't I tell you to get your backstabbing ass off my premises?"
Justin sits himself down. "Technically, you never said a word to me." Being this brazen is great fun. No wonder Brian can't ever stop smirking. He leans back in the leather chair and waits.
Eventually, Gardner takes the bait. "And you've finally come to deliver your sincere apologies for losing this agency a third of its clients."
Justin knows Brian does his homework, or, technically, gets Cynthia to do it. "You lost three current clients and seven potential ones. Not exactly a death blow, although I'm sure marketing wholesale office supplies to tight-ass government offices would have gotten you lots of free pens." Brian would have brought a pen. Justin takes a pencil out, twirls it between his fingers and then tosses it on Gardner's desk. "There. Happy?"
Gardner's not dumb. "And you've come all the way here to beg me to give your boyfriend his job back. That's really very heartwarming, but not in a million years."
Justin smirks. Brian's so much smarter. "That's right. Not in a million years will Brian ever come back here. Not unless you have me on your side." Brian's methodology is an unsubtle mixture of smugness, blitheness, and total bullshit. It works equally well on tricks and Tampax. "I got kicked out of art school for fucking you over, so I should probably get a job. I can get you what you need, so you might as well give me what I want." He doesn't bother telling Gardner why hiring him is a brilliant idea. Brian would never stoop to using logic.
Julad: originally there was actually some logic there, but it totally had to go. I had fun replacing it with Justin expecting a job for fucking Gardner over.
"You're wasting my time. Kinney was good, but not that good."
"Oh, and I suppose you've already told Leo Brown that." That was homework assignment number two. Brian doesn't make mistakes twice.
Julad: SEASON 4 SPOILERS COMING SCROLL PAST IF YOU'RE SAVING YOURSELF FOR APRIL. Okay, so I agonised over how to get Gardner to want Brian back because I really didn't think it was plausible that he'd take Brian back. Turns out I didn't have to worry about it-- it's gonna be canon. *sigh* Incidentally, I was initially writing this story based on spoilers and recaps, because I hadn't seen most of the S2 and S3 episodes yet. Then I'd see an episode, go 'oh fuck' and have to fix things.
Gardner tries to stare him down, but in the end he's not dumb at all. If he's done his own homework, he knows Justin has Brian, and Brian has every major client from Brown onwards. "You can have your internship back, but that's it. I'm not paying you for fucking up a major client."
"My internship was very educational, but it's over now." Justin stands up. "Thanks anyway."
Gardner lets him go. Justin has a moment of panic, but Brian wouldn't panic. Smug, blithe, total bullshit. Justin stops to flirt with the secretaries on his way out.
Speranza: I really like Justin's performance of Brian, the way he has to
keep checking the script. He's not entirely off-book yet, so to speak.
In the foyer, a receptionist hands him the phone.
"Get me Kinney, and Kinney can decide what you're worth."
"Deal," Justin says, and crosses 'Get Brian His Job Back' off his mental to-do list. That still leaves a rather long list, including pay the gas bill, figure out what to do with his life, and find out what the fuck is wrong with Brian.
Julad: at a later stage, I realised that Justin has his own life to be concerned about, and had to go through and add, for example, the earlier mention of school by Daphne, and the above.
It's a slow night at the diner, and the tips have been lousy, so he and Deb sit down for a cigarette and let the customers go hungry for a while.
When she's done worrying about Michael and Hunter, Deb changes the topic to Brian. "I'm so fuckin' proud, Sunshine," she clucks. "He showed them all what really mattered to him."
Justin's starting to get uncomfortable with Brian's hero status, because he thinks maybe it's part of the problem. "I don't think that's what he meant by it," he says cautiously.
"That's crap and you know it." Deb pinches his cheek. "You can't believe a word that man says! You listen to his actions, kid, cause that's when he tells the truth."
It's his actions that are starting to worry Justin, but he doesn't want to burden her with that. There's a problem; he'll fix it. That's what Brian does.
Julad: so hopefully you're starting to get clues about the problem now, but also, you're hopefully realising on re-reading that these clues are largely red herrings-- everyone has their theory on what's wrong with Brian, but none of them are the whole picture.
So far, it hasn't been too hard, being Brian. He just fixes in his head that he is Brian Kinney and he can do fucking anything, and it turns out that he can. He's not sure whether he'll be able to out-Brian Brian, but Brian isn't acting like himself anyway.
Julad: how I agonised over that, how Justin's going to deal with Brian himself, getting myself all twisted up in reverse-reverse-reverse psychology, and then I thought, duh. Also, here's where I start constructing (I feel silly writing this!) what's really wrong with Brian. In the previous scene, the assumption that Brian can fix anything, and here, that believing he can do anything gives him the power to do anything.
"So," he announces as he cleans up after dinner, if leftover meatloaf from the diner can be called that. Smug, blithe, total bullshit. He can do anything. "I got a job at Vangard today."
"That's nice," Brian says, with apparent disinterest. He's been reading to Gus all evening, and it sounds to Justin like one of the books he slept through in English class. Brian's stopping every few pages and explaining to Gus how it's all about drugs and sex, and Gus is sleeping peacefully through it. If Brian had been his English teacher, Justin would have paid much more attention. He picks up Gus and climbs into Brian's lap with him.
Julad: part of this story comes from my curiousity about when Brian reads. He drops enough quotes and literary references, but I can't remember seeing any books in the loft that aren't work-related. So this aspect of the plot is really because I had a craving to see Brian reading, and I haven't actually talked about the other aspect-- Justin becoming Brian. Basically I just thought it would be funny. *g* I had the idea for the scene where Justin's putting his feet on Gardner's coffee table, being all smug and blithe, and I liked it, and I ran with it. I'd written about 30k before I thought, uh oh, they should probably be doing all this shit for a reason. And then the trouble began...
"It's my job to get you to go back there."
Brian smiles sweetly. "Good luck with that."
Justin smiles sweetly back. "They're not paying me until I deliver you, so ... whenever you're ready."
There's still no TV, so Justin listens to Brian read until the Lesbians collect Gus. They eat, they fuck, and then they fall asleep in the quiet, empty loft.
It's not normal, but for a few hours, it feels good.
On Saturday, he does six to six at the Diner. Deb lets him take all the tips, which at least nets him drinking money for tonight.
Julad: this was gonna be another Woody's scene, but I belatedly realised that a) Brian won't be going out, and b) Justin and Brian had to start fighting earlier in the story, so when I came to the notes for this scene I did the exact opposite of what I had intended.
Brian doesn't want to go out.
"But Brian, we have to! We haven't seen Emmett in forever, and we don't even know how Ted is."
"Fuck Emmett, and fuck that twat Theodore," Brian says, not even looking up from what he's reading.
"What if Ben's heard from Michael?"
"And fuck Ben, and fuck Michael." Brian finally looks up, face twisted into a personalised nastygram. "I don't fucking care, Justin, so you go out and have a nice time, and leave me the hell alone."
"I don't want to go without you." Justin knows he's being petulant, but fuck it. He's worked all god damn day, and he wants to go out. Brian would throw a temper tantrum, so he's sure as hell allowed to.
"So stay in."
"I'll be bored here. Brian, I want to do something."
Brian finally puts the book down and lights a cigarette. "Can you play blackjack?"
"Blackjack? You want to play cards on a Saturday night?"
Brian twists his lips and stands up, finds a deck of cards in the kitchen drawer. In singlet and black pants, three-day beard, smoking, shuffling as he walks back, he looks like a card shark. "Every good faggot can play the real man with the straight boys," he says. "I've obviously neglected a vital part of your education. Here," he tosses the deck to Justin, then rummages through the bar and pulls out a bottle of Glenfiddich.
Julad: again, utterly shallow motivation. I just wanted Brian shuffling cards with a cigarette dangling from his lips, but then I also wanted to start to construct that it takes work and practice to be Brian, that there are things that need to be considered and thought out and worked at. I should mention that a lot of this I'm getting from a book by John Birmingham called "How to Be a Man". Birmingham is very very funny and fiercely cynical, I guess kind of a slacker Australian Hunter S. Thompson, and for instance he says a man, like Picard, has a preferred variety of tea, and like John Wayne he can drink both bad whiskey and good whiskey as the occasion calls for it. Brian was originally teaching Justin to play Bridge, because Birmingham says a real man can play all the classic card games, and so can most of the men I know, but Ces and Terri talked me out of it. American men are different to Australian men, apparently. *g*
Speranza: Picture the manly man cigarette, the manly man scotch...and
bridge. John Wayne would spin. *g*
"No way, that stuff tastes like piss."
"No protege of mine goes for a drink with the client and orders a fucking Cosmo." Brian pours several inches into two glasses, puts them down on the floor, and puts his cigarette into Justin's mouth. "Dangle it," he orders. "And stop smiling like the fucking tooth fairy."
Justin grins so broadly at this that he drops the cigarette into his lap. "Fuck!"
"It's 'damn' or 'hell'." Easing down onto the floor, Brian neatly grabs the cigarette and puts it back in Justin's mouth. "Real men don't smile like that, Sunshine, or they singe their balls. Now, shuffle the cards."
This scene was originally a different scene which I cut, at Ces' suggestion. It hurt me to do it, but she was right. Looking back at the other scene, I can see I was rambling, I had that hint of desperation in that I was trying sooo hard to be convincing. I'm now kicking myself because I've just realised I would have had a much easier time of this if I'd listened to my own advice-- Don't stoop to logic! Smug, blithe, utter bullshit! The thing is, you often get so focussed on solving a particular problem (usually one that has no basis in reality anyway) that you forget all the things you know about writing. That's why we need betas-- to save us from ourselves. *g*
One thing to mention is that the other scene had Ben, and Ben's theory-- that Brian missed Michael, which hey, projecting much?
On Sunday, Justin drags Brian down to the comic book store, to give Ben a day off. For eight hours, Justin sweeps, scrubs, tidies, and serves customers. Brian sits at the counter and reads with unwavering concentration, as if it's absolutely imperative that he finish this book. The pages flip by like the seconds of a clock ticking, and Justin wonders if maybe Brian just wants to feed his mind while he has time to do it. He reads like he's starving for it, so Justin gives him a break and acts like this is perfectly normal behaviour. He even waits until he finishes the second book before closing the store.
They stop by the diner to eat, and Deb asks Brian how he's doing. "Fine," he tells her distractedly. They sit down to eat, but after a few minutes Brian puts down his fork and studies Justin with the same concentration he's been giving the books.
"What?" Justin says, getting paranoid, but Brian just shakes his head and goes back to his lasagne.
Speranza: Lasange?? At a diner? *shudder* If I'd noticed, I would have
made you change that!
Julad replies: ahaha, nope, I wouldn't have changed it. Greasy diner lasagne, mm-mmm. You're Italian, you just wouldn't understand.
When they get home, Brian scoops up the playing cards and announces that real men's poker involves taking a swig of vodka and a lungful of dope with every item of clothing removed. Justin thinks he might possibly be making that up for his own nefarious reasons, but he sits down obediently and picks up his cards.
"All hail the new poker dunce," Brian says, when Justin takes off his last sock and keels over, laughing at his own ineptitude. "You're worse than fucking Lindsay." Brian's still wearing everything, even his overcoat and scarf.
The floor is cool and smooth, so Justin stretches out and wriggles his bare skin against it. Fucking Lindsay, fucking Lindsay-- he could say so many things about that, if he could find the words in his head for it. "You fucked Lindsay," he manages, and then stares at the ceiling, seeing images of her and Brian, and lets all the laughter bubble out of him.
"Well, you fucked Daphne," Brian singsongs.
"It felt kinky," Justin tells him, brushing his tingling limbs across the floor. The air is cool on his balls, teasing his nipples, making him slowly hard. The light from the windows is playing out beautifully on the unadorned surfaces of the loft. Brian's face is a similar play of shadow on bare surfaces, melting into the background, and his tightly-wrapped body is somehow foregrounded. Maybe he's stoned, but Justin sees something profound in the scene. He tries to commit it to memory, to draw tomorrow.
Julad: I wanted a sense of mystery about Brian here, and a sense of Brian being lost, and although I'm happy with the description, really happy in fact, I feel like that detail gets lost in the other details. So hey, this is my commentary, I get to draw attention to it! Note that detail, people! Because I say so!
Speranza: I think its really hard to notice that detail when you've got
a gorgeous boy writhing on the floor. I'm just sayin'.
When he's finished taking in the shapes and colours of it, the strange angle of the ceiling and the gleaming shadows of the kitchen beneath, he notices Brian is staring blandly back at him.
"You're fucking stoned, Sunshine."
Justin can only grin up at him. "Get naked, Poker Face."
Brian does a shot, and a hit, and takes off his scarf. Justin stamps his feet on the floor and tries to whistle in encouragement. By the time Brian has his shirt off, taking another shot and another hit, he gives up on whistling and just slaps his palms on the floor. It was freezing out, but Brian hates bulky jackets, so he's wearing layers and layers and layers, and sways on his feet when he gets up to get another bottle of vodka and more pot. Then it's a slow tease of singlet, belt, right shoe, left shoe, pants. Justin jacks off slowly to it, watching Brian slowly join him in naked oblivion.
"More to go," Justin protests, when Brian tries to kiss him. Brian takes a long drink and then pulls off his CKs.
Brian naked is a thing of beauty, and Justin lies there and drinks with his eyes. Brian naked and gulping from a vodka bottle in the moonlight has a certain il ne sait quoi, like a scene from the kind of French movie that has a femme fatale and a lonely detective and a lot of full-frontal nudity.
Julad: *grin* I was trying to think of a movie to name, the kind of French movie that had a femme fatale and a lonely detective and a lot of full-frontal nudity, but I couldn't think of one. Then I saw the episode where Justin doesn't know much about French movies, and I was like, whooo! Saved! Except I wildly disagree with canon there because Justin studied French, right? Maybe he's not an expert but he would have seen at least a handful of French movies.
Those movies really turn him on. He clambers up on his knees and reaches for Brian, who obligingly saunters into blowjob vicinity. Justin kisses his balls and sucks the head of his cock and then giggles some more. It's pretty funny, because he's trying to go down on him but he's laughing too much to seal his lips closed. Brian grabs his hair and hauls him back up.
"You," Brian drawls, "are a lousy fuck."
Julad: and here I indulge my kink for bad sex. Mmm, I love bad sex. In fiction, I mean. *g*
That's really fucking funny. Justin pokes his chest. "I learned from you."
"I didn't teach you to giggle like a fucking schoolgirl."
"Yeah, well." Oh, Justin's so hard now, aching for it and dizzy for it. He sits down, drags Brian down, tries to push him onto his stomach. "You're a lousy bottom, you know that?" He leans forward to whisper in Brian's ear. "I could teach you a few things."
Brian stretches out on the floor, and rests his face on the floorboards. "I could teach you a few things." He still has socks on, Justin notices with a frown, and shifts back to peel them off. Brian snorts loudly. "You just lie there and scream my name. You never show me a good time."
Justin pictures Brian banging his head and screaming Justin's name. While he's laughing, Brian flips him onto his back and lifts his legs up. "Not my fault," Justin manages. "You're just too good."
Brian is making a low, rumbly chuckle that is probably the Real Fag's way of giggling. "Personal responsibility for your sexual performance-- I taught you that." He pinches Justin's toes, one at a time, and Justin flexes them for him. They seem to be fascinating. Brian looks as if he's thinking about sucking them, but tilts his head and sucks Justin's achilles heel instead.
"You're too stoned to fuck me," Justin accuses. Brian chuckles for a few more minutes, rubbing his face against the sole of Justin's foot. Justin tries to sit up. "You are. You're fucking wasted."
"Am not," Brian mumbles, keels forward and puts his head on Justin's stomach. "I'm not wasted," he whispers, sounding scared.
Justin strokes his hair. "You're not wasted," he says gently. "You're fine."
"I'm fine," Brian repeats, and then nods to himself, smiling into his own stoned haze. "And you're good." He rolls onto his stomach, presenting his ass in invitation.
Justin fumbles with clumsy fingers until he gets a condom on, and crawls on top. He fucks him as gently as he can, listening to Brian's laboured breathing.
Julad: gah, I got so frustrated with this scene. It was just more rambling, it didn't have any point, but I didn't want to cut it for that one Brian-lost moment above and the setup for later comments about Justin's art (plus the kinkage!), so I tried to add stuff in that would just flesh out the emotions of the situation. I went back and forth on whether or not Justin should top Brian and finally I was like, fuck it, I want it, and this scene is about me, me, me.
Monday morning, and Brian refuses to get out of bed. The weirdness is back, bigger and weirder than ever. He won't go help out at Michael's store. He won't go the diner, and he won't go to the gym. He won't join Justin in the shower and he won't even get out of bed to eat breakfast. He just reaches over to the nightstand for yet another book. Justin leaves his eggs to get cold on the kitchen counter, and rushes downstairs to catch the bus.
He's in the Vangard offices by eight thirty, back to being Brian. It's not so bad-- he gets to call the new intern a brainless twat for cowering timidly by the water cooler, and tells Cynthia she's looking hot.
"You're real cute, kid," she says, but then she brings him coffee and fills him in on the gossip-- Leo Brown called, asking after Brian, and Gardner said Brian was at a conference in Vienna. They clink their Alessi coffee mugs together for good luck.
Gardner wants him to sit in on a war council, some new campaign, probably to watch Justin flounder out of his depth. It's a new anti-drug thing--apparently the last one didn't work, and neither did the one before that.
"The youth of today," Justin says.
Julad: this is one of the first scenes I wrote, and this anti-drug thing, obviously, becomes kind of the backbone of the story, the focus of a lot of stuff. I can't remember why I was thinking about anti-drug campaigns but I was, and thinking about the futility of running them. Because of course, and I say this with some experience, if drugs are bad then kids will want to do them. And of course my thoughts turned to the kind of anti-drug campaign Brian would run, of which more later.
They're deciding between hip young things having fun without drugs, and tragic young things all fucked up by drugs. Gardner invites him to comment, and Justin doesn't even have to wonder what Brian would think of them.
"That one makes me want to puke," he tells him. "Or get wasted. Maybe both." He tilts his head and studies the shiny happy kids spinning around on the beach in the sunshine. "Definitely both." He looks at the other one, grainy black and white elf-eyed drooling junkies. "That one makes me want to get wasted and fuck my brains out." He's getting dirty looks from around the table. "And then puke," he adds for good measure.
A woman coughs nervously. "Our focus groups responded well to depictions of the tragic aftermath of drug abuse."
High-cheekboned models weren't tragic aftermaths. Ted was a tragic aftermath. Ted on drugs was gross and lame, but that was the point-- it was Ted. Justin would never end up like that. Justin fucked up on drugs would be like Brian fucked up, because Brian fucked up was the hottest thing ever. He let his head fall back and shuddered under every touch, like he needed it and hated it and couldn't get enough. Brian fucked up made a few little white pills look like the best lay of your life.
For this campaign, Justin realises, Brian is the competition.
"It would have to be dangerous," he finds himself saying. "And glamourous." There's a pencil in his hand, and he starts sketching. He thinks about Brian as he surveys Babylon, owning it with a sweep of his eyes. "Ambiguous. Alluring."
"We tried sexy," one of the drones says. "It didn't work."
"You wouldn't know sexy if it fucked you until the entire universe was his cock in your ass."
Julad: ahaha, I just love that line, both because it's a slap in the face and an obvious reference to Brian and, I'm not sure how to put it, but a kind of arrogance in being fucked. I worried it was out of character but then I thought about it, and no, Justin really does say things like that, and often. (As an aside, I think I have this warped view of Justin sometimes, or fandom does, I don't know, by focussing on the differences between Brian and Justin. Once you start looking for similarities, you find an avalanche of them.)
The curves under his hand are shaping themselves into typography, a series of sensual spirals on black. Brian last night, reading Chaucer to Gus. "Smart, and cruel. Not caring that they won't understand. Making them feel small for not getting it."
Gardner is watching him. "How?"
Heavier shading around the eyes, rub in some light around the hair. "Let the boy try along this bayonet-blade," he recites softly, making them lean in to hear him, "how cold steel is, and keen with hunger of blood."
Julad: aagh, cringe, sigh. I really didn't want to do that, and actually I never intended to leave that in there. I spent AGES looking for that Shakespeare quote about fresh hell. Which turned out, naturally, to be not Shakespeare at all, but Dorothy Parker, and not usable. Then I thought there would be something usable from the Mercutio monologue in Romeo and Juliet, about madness and so on, but there wasn't anything 'quotable' enough. So I looked through a ton of quotes, with help from cmshaw, trying to find one that was right. I wanted something in prose, reasonably well-known, that would have a double meaning for Justin, which would be about Brian to him and about drugs to his audience. I found a ton of maybes including the above one, which is Wilfred Owen. I felt fairly confident that Justin could know it (particularly because Owen was queer, and some of his poetry is very homoerotic-- I mean, read the above again), and it said what I wanted, but I still cringe every time I read that-- Justin quoting poetry. I felt like if I found the exact right quote, I'd eliminate the cringe factor, but I never did.
For a moment, silence hangs like a spell, and Justin thinks he's won. Why the fuck he'd want to win this, he doesn't know, except that he likes the taste of victory on his lips.
Julad: here's me remembering not to stoop to logic to try to explain this. *g*
"Poetry?" another drone sneers, breaking the moment. "For teenagers?"
Justin shrugs. "And you have a better suggestion?" A quick glance at the storyboards. "Oh, wait, you do. Win the war on drugs with capri pants and sparkly lip gloss, then get the Spice Girls to sing at the victory concert." He leans back in his chair and folds his arms. "Besides, if you pitch it right, it's not poetry. It's something that other people are getting and you're not."
"It's an interesting angle," Gardner interrupts. "But what would Brian Kinney say?"
Justin can picture him sitting across the table, and feel the caress of his voice in his ear. "Close," he drawls, "but no post-coital joint for the Boy Wonder."
Julad: I knew I was running too close to making Justin into some kind of awful Mary Sue perfect amazing saves-the-day creature, and let's face it, ultimately I did that, but I tried to keep having Justin fuck up in small ways, be close but not quite getting it right.
"And what would Brian Kinney suggest?"
Justin shrugs cheerfully. "I don't know. I'm not Brian fucking Kinney."
"Hi Honey," Brian greets him when he walks in the door. "I made roast lamb; I hope you're hungry."
Justin's so high on being Brian, he forgets who he's dealing with. "Really?"
"What the fuck do you think? And I'm fucking starving, so I hope you made Gardner pay you."
Julad: ahahahaha. I amuse myself. I can see the look on Brian's face with that. Again, one of the first things I wrote, when I was just playing this for laughs.
Brian refuses to eat one more "lard-assed Liberty Diner excuse for sustenance," so they go to LaforÍt, eat poached salmon with new potatoes, drink cognac, fuck in the men's room and then leave without paying.
Julad: Joss disagreed with me on this, that they would get away with not paying. In restaurants where I've worked, it's happened on a few occasions, but she said in places where she worked, they would never have got away. But what the story calls for, the story gets. Sorry Joss. *g*
As they walk home, sharing a joint, Brian lets him hold his hand and talk about his day. "Not bad for an amateur," he concedes, when Justin tells him about his pitch. "Better than the usual shit."
Julad: I was really happy with that as it came out, Brian LETS him hold his hand and talk about his day.
"What would you do?" Justin asks.
He inhales deeply, and then blows out a cool stream of blue smoke. "I wouldn't bother. I think kids should do more drugs."
Justin swings their hands and laughs. "Come on. Seriously."
"There's a difference," Brian drawls, swinging Justin around against a brick wall and slipping the joint between his lips, "between doing what the client asks, and keeping the client coming back for more. So who are they?"
Julad: this echoes back to an earlier idea for the story, in which Brian swans in just as Justin is losing these clients, and saves the day himself. The earlier idea had a lot more to do with Brian's cynicism and his gift for knowing what people are willing to believe.
Brian's hand is sliding into his pants, so Justin really doesn't give a damn who they are. "Suck me," he says, and the hand withdraws. "Brian."
"You have to keep them coming back," Brian whispers, breath hot against Justin's face. "Who are they?"
"Some shit like Parents for a Drug-Free America," Justin manages.
Brian releases Justin and unbuttons his own fly. "A bunch of neo-liberal ex-hippies who are shitscared because their kids are getting as fucked up as they did." He gets Justin's hand and holds it against his hard-on. "What do they want?"
"I don't fucking care," Justin whines, trying to get his fingers around cock. Brian won't let him.
Brian's got the light of sanctimonious evil in his eyes. "They want to stop their kids having the same petty rebellions they did, without feeling like the decrepit, washed up hypocrites they are. So how do you keep them coming back?"
Justin never wants to hear about them again, so he gets down on his knees and mouths Brian's cock through his shorts. Brian lets himself be manoeuvred against the wall and sucked off.
Later, while he's brushing his teeth, Justin finds himself thinking about the difference between doing what they ask and keeping them coming back for more. Brian, he admits, rarely fails to communicate his message.
Julad: A couple of things there. One, of course, is that Brian has made his point to Justin by not giving him what he wants, by instead getting exactly what he wants from him. The other is that later we'll get explicitly that Brian is communicating his message-- he can't talk about what's wrong, but he's sending a very loud SOS nonetheless.
Julad: I wasn't happy with this segue, but I didn't want to write a whole nother day to get through to another evening. I really don't pay attention to time or space or whatever. At some stage it's Monday, a few pages later it'll be Saturday, what the hell do I know? I never notice that kind of thing.
Their body clocks are set to patterns which reflect their normal lives, not these lives. There's hours to go until he'll be able to sleep, and Justin is fidgety with boredom. No TV, no stereo, no couch to sprawl on. All his art supplies are at Daphne's. Brian's not in the mood to fuck. Brian's fucking reading again. The books are scattered all over the loft, now, and Justin's really starting to get pissed with this show of literary fervour. Brian's also smoking another joint, and Justin can't remember him ever doing this much pot. Michael would probably know for sure, but Justin takes this as another weird sign.
"Don't you think you're doing a bit too much of that?"
Brian looks at the joint and snickers. "Why? Because drugs are bad?"
"Because this isn't like you."
"Call 911, Brian's out of character again." He takes another drag and picks up the book again. "Go the fuck out. You're pissing me off."
Julad: Josselin suggested that comment about out of character, if I recall correctly. So we're getting to the idea of Brian Kinney as *performed*.
Justin goes out, because there's nothing to do in the loft except fucking read. He lets strangers buy him drinks, and gets blown by two of them in the backroom. When they're done, the anger has slowed to a sluggish pulse in his veins, but the itch under his skin isn't scratched. There's a young twink who's been watching him from the corner, all nervous twitches and longing eyes. He could take him out the back, probably take his fucking virginity among the used condoms and empty poppers, but that would be more angst than its worth. He's not in the mood to be callous, but he's also not in the mood to be nice.
Julad: one of the things I remember thinking is that it takes as much energy to be nasty as it does to be nice-- Brian puts a hell of a lot of energy into being an asshole and a prick. When you're tired, you don't go out of your way to be nasty, you just ignore as much of life as you can.
He gives the twink ten bucks for a cab, tells him not to look for love on Liberty Avenue, and heads over to the diner through the bitter cold.
Julad: so, yeah, Justin getting disillusioned, starting to get frustrated and a little angry.
Sure enough, they're understaffed, countless singles and doubles crowding into the close warmth of the booths, so he puts on an apron and vows to charm enough in tips to cover the gas bill and his rent at Daphne's.
It's disturbingly easy to smile and flirt, purse his lips, swing his hips, and bend over to stretch his pants tight across his ass.
"I don't need to ask what got into you," Deb hollers across the diner, and Justin takes a bow as the room whistles and cheers. It's just another role, that's all, and he dances with strings attached to his ankles and wrists, making him defy gravity.
Julad: more about performance, getting closer to the idea that this is an act.
When he gets home, Brian's still reading, red eyes drifting almost shut. If there's a message, it looks a lot like 'S-O-S', but when Justin sits down and tries to touch him, Brian shifts out of reach.
"What are you reading?" he tries.
"Nothing," Brian says.
He takes Brian by the chin and forces him to meet his gaze. "Brian, is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine," Brian says blandly. "Why wouldn't it be?"
"Fine," he says, standing up. He leaves him on the floor and goes to bed.
Julad: I love that last bit, although I wish I'd put a line beforehand about Justin walking home and feeling tired and drained, so that there was a moment of decompression and reflection and then this moment would have had a stronger sense of that quiet, tired sadness. I'm not sure how to explain, but this feels like one of the most genuine moments in the story-- Justin's not acting, and neither is Brian. Justin's trying to reach out, but Brian, despite his cry for help, is beyond his reach.
Tuesday morning, Justin's only had three hours sleep, and Gardner's on his case the moment he walks in, yanking him into his office and demanding to know what Brian said about the campaign.
It takes Justin a minute to remember -- the stupid anti-drug thing.
Julad: On re-reading, I'm so, so happy with that tiny little line-- "the stupid anti-drug thing." It keeps everything in proportion, in perspective.
"That they're decrepit hypocrites," he says helpfully. "And that if you're going to waste your money paying amateurs, you might as well pay me too."
"Nice try. Here, have a pen."
Justin catches it. It's a pretty good one.
Julad: I was quietly amusing myself with this little pen symbolism thing I had going with Justin and Gardner's relationship. It wasn't in any way significant to the story, but it entertained me.
"So when's Kinney coming back?"
"I don't know," Justin says, sitting down and putting his feet on the desk. "I think he likes being a stay-at-home Dad."
Gardner throws another pen and tells him to fuck off. Justin settles in at a table in the lunch room, and spends a couple of hours sketching a new issue of Rage, where Zephyr goes missing in action and Rage seems weirdly content to hang his superhero costume in the closet. He's not getting paid, after all, so there's not much point in working.
Julad: it was pretty fucking late in the piece that I realised that the comic could be leveraged for expositiony stuff (as TPTB do), so I added this in to set up the later use of it.
The drones decide to go with the shiny happy drug-free kids. "It's alluring," he hears one of them telling one of the others. "Ambiguous."
Julad: ahaha, so yeah, I wanted to be really obvious about the uselessness of Gardner's minions, because like I said above, I didn't think Gardner would even consider taking Brian back. This is from something that happened to me at work, I argued for an alternative policy which would be innovative and user-centred, and they go ahead and implement the ghastly bureaucratic policy I hated because, they said, it was innovative and user-centred. *sigh*
The ex-hippies won't find it even vaguely convincing. Justin smirks to himself. They won't be back.
Julad: I added this scene after Ces came through with all her ideas of performance, because I wanted to start setting up, through Justin, exactly what Brian's performance was, and how it worked. I'm not entirely convinced I got it right. I struggled so much with articulating it and I think in the end I cut a fair bit of what I had because it had that sense of desperation about it.
By lunchtime, the comic is starting to seem like a waste of his time here. He should do something, take some kind of action, because Brian Kinney wouldn't lurk aimlessly around the offices like a stranded tourist. He doesn't know what the fuck to do, though, so he marches into Gardner's office and complains that he's bored.
"That's hardly my problem," Gardner says, but takes him into another meeting, some trendy chain of hair salons.
Justin actually loves the campaign, so he can't find much to bitch about. It's sassy and cute, an offbeat flirtiness achieved with acute angles and exactly the right shade of green. The models, outdoors and mischievously half-dressed, are effortlessly desirable.
It turns out to be one of Brian's.
The clients are heartbroken that Brian's not there. They're an elderly gay couple, so it doesn't take much imagination to guess why. "You don't need him," Justin tells them, winking. "You've got me." After that, they agree enthusiastically to everything Gardner has told him to suggest.
Justin isn't sure whether Brian would have fucked these guys or not, but it turns out he doesn't have to worry about it. They run their fingers through his hair, pronounce him "cute as one of those zebra-striped Gaultier buttons," and link arms as they get into the elevator.
For the rest of the day, Justin studies the campaign layouts in awe, and wonders what happened to the man who could use Even better than bed head as a slogan, and get wildly away with it.
Julad: I would have great fun coming up with outrageous slogans and crazy campaigns for Brian, and then I would realise, oh fuck, I have to now write this in a way that actually pulls it off, the same way only Brian could pull of something as unrepentantly awful as EAT THE MEAT. Oh, man. "Let's hope your 'young singles' think so." Every time I remember that scene I kill myself laughing, because I have no idea whether the cringing and obvious distaste was Brian or Gale.
Um, so, yeah, I had a point: I don't think I got away with Even better than bed head, although I think it is obscene enough to be Brian's. *g*
Lindsay has invited them over for dinner that night. Brian doesn't want to go, but the cupboards are getting emptier by the day, and Justin isn't settling for boiled rice with ketchup when there's pot roast on offer. He shoves Brian into his jacket and pushes him out the door. One of them has to get an actual income, before they run out of coffee and breakfast cereal. Maybe, he muses, Brian should go work at the diner.
Julad: in the original plan, there was going to be a scene with each one of the cast. Emmett, Ted, and Ben all got cut, Deb got cut back, but the Dykes got to stay. Lucky them! This indulges my Brian/Lindsay kink, particularly of them talking about literature.
Brian patiently feeds Gus at the dinner table, and wipes his face clean after. He and Lindsay talk through the whole meal about the art and poetry of William Blake, whose biography Brian apparently read today.
"What the fuck is he playing at?" Mel asks, after Brian and Lindsay have wandered off for one of their incestuous little chats. Justin can see why Mel's concerned. He very nearly flipped out himself, coming home to find that Brian had a library card.
"He's just fucking with your head," he tells her. They're doing the dishes, and he can see out the kitchen window to where Lindsay and Brian are sitting on the swing set. Brian's doing blase, but not smug or full of shit. Justin's tempted to think there's a deep and meaningful discussion going on, but they're probably bitching about Mel.
Julad: I'm absurdly amused by that. Somebody, I think Mia or Georgina, once told me that I have characters thinking and saying much harsher things than most writers would. This occasionally concerns me because I'm like, was that harsh? I just thought it was funny. Obviously I have a rather bitchy sense of humour.
Mel rinses a stack of plates before putting them in the rack. "Well, consider my head fucked. Seriously, what's going on with him?"
Julad: I often forget, but when a scene is boring or not flowing or whatever, I try to make sure the characters are actually doing something, so you can have description of what they're doing to break up the dialogue, use actions to characterise, etc.
Justin suspects a lot, knows nothing, and he doesn't want to give Brian any expectations to defy. "Don't worry," he says softly, because he's been going to a lot of effort to pretend nothing's going on. "I think it's some kind of experiment. A test. He'll be back soon, better than ever."
Julad: see, for much of the writing, I myself had no idea why Brian was acting how he was. So you get all these ideas and theories thrown about by characters, and in fact, I was testing them myself for whether they worked or not. If they didn't work, I undermined them, in this case by Mel's desire to believe Brian isn't for real.
"I knew it couldn't be for real," Mel says, and wrings out the dishcloth, apprently satisfied. Justin isn't so sure. Brian's doing something, and he doesn't know what it is. Brian probably doesn't know either, but that's hardly reassuring.
They head out into the garden, where Mel and Lindsay snuggle and rub Mel's stomach. Brian seems distantly amused at the grossness of lesbian love, which probably means he's stoned again.
Justin takes their coffee and a box of cereal on the way out.
Julad: I don't know, I just had to have Justin being petty and bitchy. Also, it struck me as something Brian would do. Especially if the Lesbians needed the coffee more than he did. *g*
Perhaps it's boredom, maybe something else, but Brian fucks like a caged animal that night, like a different person again from who he's been all week. He pulls Justin's hair in angry fistfuls until he cries out for it to stop, and then fucks him until it sails past agony to a kind of blissful numbness in his knees, his shoulders, his ass; until he's afraid to come because then the feeling will come back. Afterwards, Brian takes a pillow and goes to sleep on the living room floor.
Justin stays on the bed, mostly because it hurts to move, but also because something tells him it's the right response. He sprawls himself carefully across the mattress, like it's his-- as if he belongs there, even if Brian doesn't.
Julad: I was on the verge of deleting this, because it didn't fit, and I didn't know what the point of it was but for some reason I wanted Brian lashing out. Then I rewrote that last sentence, which was originally not an act-- it was "because he belonged there," not "as if he belongs there", and voila! the point was that the act was hurting, the act was taking a lot out of him but Justin was sticking with it.
Lindsay shows up at Vangard the next day and offers to take him to lunch. "If you needed our Wheaties, you only had to ask," she says, with her cutting brand of softness.
Julad: ah, Lindsay. How I love the evil lesbians. I was really happy with that opening, which felt like I'd captured something about Lindsay that I'd been reaching for, cutting softness.
They go to a cafe around the corner, and Justin's hungry all the time lately. He orders two coffees and fettucini carbonara and two salads, because he's probably approaching scurvy from diner food.
"Here, take this." Lindsay's holding out a fifty dollar bill. "You shouldn't be walking home in this weather."
Julad: I kept worrying about the logistics of everything, like, they're out of coffee but how is Justin getting around? I kept having to emphasise that money was running out, while letting Justin do the things he needed to do.
He shakes his head. "I'm not taking money away from Gus. I'm fine."
"Gus has everything he needs. Seriously, Justin." She tucks it under his plate, and puts a hand on his arm. "You need to take care of yourself, even if it's just for Brian's sake. He's... troubled right now."
"No kidding. Did you know he got a library card?"
Linsday almost blanches. "He's just processing. You know Brian-- introspection is a fate worse than death. He thinks about things he reads, because he can't think about his own emotions."
Julad: for a while this was actually my theory, this was going to be my explanation for why Brian was reading all the time, but then I gave it to Lindsay and had to undermine it. I still kind of think it's true, though. And incidentally, with every change of theory, I would start to think about and research the titles of the books Brian was reading, so that they reflected the theory. Then mostly I didn't put them in anyway.
Speranza: I think there's some truth to this theory, that thinking about
external things prevents you from thinking about internal things, but I
also think that 1) in practical terms, having Brian disappear into a book
is the narrative equivolent of having him vanish entirely, because
non-readers do experience readers *as* absent--c.f. Janice Radway's Reading
The Romance, in which husbands resent their wives for reading because then
they're there without actually being there; the wives are present in body
only but vanished in spirit, giving a new meaning to the word "escapism".
Pragmatically, Brian "vanishes" during the duration of this story and 2)
the kinds of things Brian is reading, which I had a hand in shaping, could
also be described as performance research; one could argue that Brian's
reading *scripts*, sifting offers, possibly looking for another part. *G*
"That's bullshit. He's more aware of who he is than any of us will ever be."
"Oh, honey, that's just the facade, you know that. And you know," she squeezes his hand, "that he hasn't got a clue what goes on in his own heart."
Reluctantly, Justin nods.
"What he did was a big deal, a really big deal. He needs to work out how he feels about it."
"He's pissed off because you all love him for what he did, not who he really is."
Julad: again, a previous theory, now undermined below.
Speranza: But just the idea that there's a distinction between "doing"
and "being" in this story moves it into the realm of performance theory;
Richard Schechner makes distinction between "being" (i.e. existing),
"doing" (i.e. acting in some way; quarks are doing things right now; there
are actions happening on the cellular level) and "showing-doing" (i.e.
performance--and I'd argue that Justin is performing Brian, not only doing
what Brian does but showing others that that position, that role, will
continue to be occupied no matter what kind of a blow the home team gets.
The show will go on, so to speak--and I personally think that Justin starts
to be Brian because he believes that *somebody* has to--that like God, if
Brian didn't exist, he would have to be invented, so to speak.)
Lindsay laughs. "Brian could give a fuck what we think. He's confused because he threw all his principles out the window, for, well." She laughs again. "His principles."
Justin laughs too. "Only Brian could do that."
Speranza: And it's a paradox Wilde would be proud of.*g*
"Only an adult could do that," she corrects him. "Mel gave up a Supreme Court case, Deb closed her heart to Ben, Emmett begged Brian to help Ted." She smiles at him, and it looks a lot like pride. "When you're young, it's easy to stand by your principles at the expense of everything else, but as you get older you realise the people close to you are more important than some abstract behavioural ideal."
"No wonder Brian's pissed," Justin says. "He hates people."
"And he just realised how much he loves us all." Lindsay smirks. "No wonder he's so fucked up."
"So how come he's getting stoned all the time?" Justin demands. "He stopped tricking, he doesn't want his job back, he's ignoring Stockwell-- why won't he leave the loft?"
But Lindsay shakes her head. "I don't know, Justin. I just don't know."
Julad: so here we go, another theory undermined again, we still don't know what's wrong with Brian. A lot of people interpreted this as the correct theory, though, and in a way I think it is. I mean, I think they're all correct, they all explain something, but they need to be unified by an uberTheory, which is yet to be formulated.
Nobody knows what's going on in Brian's head, and that worries Justin more than anything. This is like Michael's birthday party, somehow-- some twisted Brian logic that will only make sense when you look at it from Brian's queer perspective, but Justin can't see any of the lines that lead from A to B.
The waiter clears their plates, and Lindsay pays and settles back with her mocha. "So have you done any artwork lately? I really was impressed by the posters, you know. They were superbly executed."
Justin thinks regretfully of Brian in the loft on the weekend, the picture of him somehow lost in it. It had been a beautiful image, but he left it too long, and the details are gone from his mind.
Julad: trying to show that both Justin has his own life that he needs to be getting on with, and that being Brian is starting to affect that.
"I haven't had time," he admits.
"You need to make time," she says, frowning. "You might not be in school any more, but that makes it even more important. Being an artist is who you are, how you live your life, and if you don't live it then it'll slip away."
"I can't," he says, because he's not just an artist. He's also got to be Brian as well. He can be a student and a waiter and a son and a friend and still be an artist, but right now's there's too many other things to be.
Lindsay looks disappointed, and Justin feels tired and tight, like he's stretched too far, in too many different directions, to bend any more without breaking.
He's saved from a lecture by Cynthia, who walks past, chatting with a girlfriend. Cynthia points and whispers, and the friend gapes at him.
"You've obviously made an impression," Lindsay observes.
Justin can't help grinning. "Brian's shoes are easy to fill, if you know how."
"No, Justin." Lindsay shakes her head. "They're not, and you know it."
Cynthia waves off her friend and comes over to their table. She and Lindsay exchange kisses, and Lindsay kisses him sternly on the forehead as she leaves.
"Back to the mines?" Cynthia says. "Walk with me."
Justin pockets Lindsay's fifty dollars and follows her out.
"I was going to invite you to lunch, but it looks like the Muncher Mommy got to you first."
Julad: this was originally Evil Dyke Mommy, but Josselin talked me out of being too bitchy about the lesbians. Cynthia is mainly here because of my paranoia about Gardner taking Brian back; I wanted there to be a lot of reasons why Gardner needed Brian.
Justin grins. "You've been with Brian too long."
"Lindsay's a woman after my own heart. She knows exactly where to grab and how hard to squeeze." Cynthia reapplies her lipstick as they walk, hand steadier than any artist's, looking at Justin from the corner of her eye.
Julad: again, boring dialogue, have them doing something. It also seemed to my that Cynthia, little as we see of her, is the kind of woman who could and would touch up her makeup as the plane she was on plummeted to the earth in a hurricane. I know women like that, and I have this weird admiration for them. It takes a certain toughness, I think, to power dress-- you need a hell of an attitude to pull it off. If I'd thought about it, I would have tried to relate this to the idea of performance.
Speranza: Actually, I thought you had; because the key line is "steadier
than an artist's"--and we just had this bit where Justin's an artist but
not, because he's also being Brian, and now this...I thought there was a
sense of "we're all performers in our lives." What else is makeup for?
With a twinge of panic in his balls, Justin looks back at her.
"Relax, kid. I'm on your side." She pulls out a compact and dusts it across her cheeks, effortlessly dodging the street crowds.
Justin allows himself a sigh. "I'm glad somebody is."
"I'll tell you a secret." She bumps shoulders with him conspiratorially. "Brian's clients are getting very frustrated with Vangard. It seems the new execs can't handle the pressure-- they're losing briefcases, running late for meetings, that sort of thing. The place is just falling apart without Brian to bark at everyone."
There's a triumphant glint in her eye as she relates this, and Justin doesn't doubt he's meant to notice it. He grins at her. "Wow, you're good."
"I know." Cynthia claps her compact shut, drops it back into her purse, and dabs the corner of her mouth with a manicured finger and a cat-cream smile. "Brian likes his women blonde, cunning, and loyal as fuck. It's a weakness of his."
Julad: I like the idea that Brian likes women, and particularly a specific kind of woman. I often wondered if he liked Cynthia because she reminded him of Lindsay, or if he liked Lindsay because she used to be like Cynthia is now, so I ran with the idea of similarity here.
"I'll be sure to tell him," Justin promises, but Cynthia just raises her eyebrow at him.
"Don't bother, honey. He'll know."
Julad: in my head, Cynthia raises an eyebrow at Brian in a particular way, and Brian buys her something very, very expensive, even if he doesn't know exactly how she's just saved his ass again.
Justin holds the door to the building open for her, and she nods in satisfaction.
In the elevator, she leans close and whispers. "One more thing?"
She slides a friendly hand around his neck and squeezes. "Don't rely on any coffee except mine. Somehow," and Justin feels his eyebrows going up to his hairline, "all the rest turned to decaf."
Julad: blonde, cunning, and loyal as fuck. I had fun with Cynthia. Go the women!
The thought of stealth-decaf keeps him going through a meeting with White Mountain Villas that Gardner wants him to sit in on. Dan and Don, the two execs hired to replace Brian, are suggesting that the five-star ski resort promote itself as safety-conscious and family-friendly.
Julad: originally they were Bob and Brad, then I saw the ep where Gardner fires everyone. I was like, fuuuuuuck, but then I was like, they're all supposed to be drones anyway, the fact that they're Bob and Brad with changed names will just make them even more replaceable!
Justin feels positively buoyed when Gardner drains his espresso and immediately demands another. The White Mountain people are drinking it too.
"This isn't exactly what we were expecting," one of them says, tapping her fingernails on the folio.
Gardner looks at him. "Mr Taylor, would you care to comment?"
Gardner's expecting him to be Brian, and it occurs to him that not even Gardner Vance has enough balls to be Brian Kinney when there's something on the line. Fine, that's fine. Justin Taylor has Brian's balls. He leans back in his chair, smiles, and looks the White Mountain people in the eye.
Julad: the idea of balls, I really wanted to get across that Brian has more balls than anyone, and that's why he is who he is, and also why Gardner needed him.
"It's crap, and everyone here except Dan and Don knows it." Gardner stares at him in disbelief, and Dan and Don look faint with terror. "Mr Vance doesn't have time right now to check up on all his braindead minions, and it's showing." Justin's beginning to understand that Brian's recklessness isn't apathy-- it's powered by a continual burn of anger at this half-assed cowardly bullshit. "Unfortunately for you," he continues, "this agency's only good executive is at a conference in Vienna right now, so you're stuck with the sloppy seconds."
Julad: oh, man, did I have fun writing that. I was also going for sexual connotations with everything, when Justin is being Brian, because, although I didn't really push the idea up to the surface until later, in the end it's all about sex.
Speranza: Weighing in with the theoretical significance, I'm loving the
idea that Justin understands kinesthetically--by being Brian, he feels what
Brian feels. British acting works on this model--do the impersonation
correctly, and the right feelings will make themselves evident; i.e. acting
works from the outside in. (This is the opposite of American method
acting: decide on the feelings and the outside shape will follow.)
Gardner's face is going white. The White Mountain people start closing their briefcases. He's told them exactly what they wanted to believe.
Julad: what they wanted to believe, again, was from the other ending I was thinking about running with, although it comes back later anyway, with the idea of performance.
It's almost too easy.
"You need an image that captures the viewer," Justin muses. "Strong lines, bold shapes, aggressive colours to draw them in, and then the right words to pull them through, into action." His hand twitches for oil pastels, but he doesn't have the luxury of communicating this through art. He reaches for a folio and flips through it, finds a photograph of jagged peaks, hard and stark under an icy night sky, and studies it. "The attraction is to the mountains, and you can pitch them as a one-night stand. They're elusive, intimidating, but that just makes them more desirable. They're lying under white silk sheets, waiting for you, and they want to rough you up, but you could ride down and down and down until it's so hard, so fast, that you're flying." He runs a finger along the edge of the photograph. "It all merges into one long night of ecstasy," -- he casts his mind back through the last three years and lets it show on his face -- "the thrill of domination and the ecstasy of surrender."
Julad: I was so nervous about that passage, Justin talking so fluently and poetically, until I saw the end of S3 where we do get Justin talking like this. Particularly in the bar waiting for the cop, when he talks about ageing. I looked back in retrospect and found a lot of examples where Justin talks very persuasively, very seductively. I was very relieved to realise that. *g*
Everyone in the room, apparently, is holding their breath. Justin peeks up through his eyelashes. "Is that more like what you expected?"
Being Brian, Justin thinks smugly as they sit back down, is about never settling for half-assed cowardly bullshit. It's about finding the best possible fuck in any given situation, and taking it for all it's worth.
Julad: so we start to get instances of Justin, as Brian, discovering in himself the things that make Brian tick. He's not just parroting, as he was earlier, he's starting to feel it, live it, be it.
He's late for his shift at the diner, because the White Mountain people ask for mockups of Justin's ideas, and he refuses to leave it to Dan and Don. They want to do it in shades of pink, cream, and apricot. Obviously, they haven't gotten laid since Justin was in grade school, and their memories of sex have shrivelled up with their testicles.
Julad: it occurs to me that I am attracted to QAF US because it lets me be a raving bitch. That is all.
Deb's frantic when he finally gets in, and he tries to get a word in to apologise.
"Apologise? For fucking what?" she says.
"For being late?"
"Are you even listening to me, kiddo?"
He thought he was, but maybe all the jesus-fucking-christ-ing wasn't about the meals going cold on the counter. "What's wrong? Is it Michael?"
She stares at him, hands on hips. "He didn't tell you."
"Tell me what?"
She hands him a newspaper and a takeaway coffee, over the outraged shout of the customer who owned them. "Take a cigarette break, Sunshine. Don't bother about comin' back."
Getting worried, Justin slips out the back and sits down on a milk crate to read. He doesn't know what he's looking for until the word "Mayor" catches his eye on page four.
Under mounting public pressure, the new-elected Mayor Deekins has ordered an inquiry into allegations made against Police Chief Stockwell during the final days of the campaign.
Brian is named as the key witness. Stockwell's painting him as a radical gay activist with a personal grudge, and a sex-obsessed pervert. In the interest of fair and unbiased reporting, the paper mentions that Brian corrupted a high school kid who eventually got bashed at his prom, and notes that some allegations of sexual harrassment against him were mysteriously dropped, and implies that Brian was sleeping with the office intern who made the posters for him.
Stockwell's also suing Brian for slander and damages and charging him with interfering with the electoral process, and all sorts of other crimes Justin has never heard of.
Mr Kinney was not available for comment.
Julad: so I really felt like I had to ramp up the pressure on Brian, so that with an initial wavering of confidence he just toppled, like there had to be enough to break him, to make him feel like he just couldn't do it all anymore and be brilliant enough to retalliate against all of this stuff. So we're starting to build to crisis now, making it something that needs, urgently, to be fixed, but also making it something that Justin can't handle alone.
He leaves the newspaper on the floor and is at the end of the block before he remembers his shift. He's halfway back before he remembers Deb anticipated this, turns back around and runs all the way to the loft.
There's something fucking serious going on with Brian. Not just the job, not just the money and the principles and the Corvette and Michael. The Pittsburg Chief of Police is throwing the book at him, the Mayor he put in office is standing aside to watch the press beat the shit out of him, and Brian's not doing a goddamn thing about it.
Normally he'd make popcorn and call everyone he knows, but there's no way that Brian is on top of this situation.
He gets back to the loft to find Brian sitting against the bare wall where the naked guy used to be, with yet another book. Justin rips it from his hands and hurls it across the room.
"Stockwell's suing you?"
Brian looks annoyed at the loss of his book, and then bored. "Technically, he's suing the Concerned Citizens for the Truth."
"Fuck you, Brian! Why didn't you tell me?"
"What does it matter? What have I got to lose now?" Brian asks the ceiling.
Speranza: Offhand, this vaguely masochistic, "if I give it all up, if I
have nothing, then I will have nothing to lose and will be hugely powerful"
has deeply queer roots and in more modern times reminds me kind of of
Justin sits beside him and looks up as well. "Only the roof over your fucking head. Don't you think you should call Melanie?"
"I can't afford Melanie. Do you know how much that bitch charges?"
"She'll do it pro bono, you know she will."
Brian shrugs, like he's exhausted from sitting at home all day. "Just drop it. I don't care."
Justin stands up, looks down at him, and decides he doesn't have the energy to deal with Brian in this mood. "Fine," he snaps. "Consider it dropped."
He makes them both sandwiches, something to do with his hands to fend off impending panic. Money problems, he can deal with, but he can't fend off Stockwell and an inquiry by himself. He could call Mel, but she's still supposed to be taking it easy, so she won't waste her time on it if Brian won't cooperate. He could call Lindsay, but Brian's so fucking anaesthetised he won't even feel her nails in his balls. He doesn't know what the fuck to do.
Julad: just noticed the repetition of "fend off"-- *cringe*. It's killing me not to correct errors and I keep finding myself editing and then having to slap my own wrist. But anyway, with this section I was also trying to make it so that Justin felt like he was the only one who could deal with this, even though he *couldn't* deal with it.
He's slamming the fridge door and gouging holes in the bread. There's only jam to eat, so they're shitty sandwiches anyway. There are unopened bills on the counter-- phone bills and about six others.
There's probably some twisted Brian logic that can sort this out, some outrageous stunt that can be pulled so all the pieces fall magically into their right places, but Brian's the only one who'll ever see it. He can't out-Brian Brian. As long as Brian wants things to be this way, they'll be like this.
"So, how was work today, honey?" Brian asks, when Justin brings the plate over. He's so fake, so insincere, that Justin dumps the sandwiches on his head and walks out. He clatters down the stairs as loudly as he can, as if his echoing footsteps will drown out the sound of Brian laughing.
"What the hell are you doing back here?" Deb asks.
"What the hell else can I do?" he replies. He's so fucking sick of the Diner. He's been doing this for three years and he doesn't know how Deb can get out of bed every morning for ten years to come here and do this all day and half the god damn night. As he slams down each plate, he decides which bill this thirty seconds of his life is going towards. That's for the internet bill. That's for the cleaning service bill.
That's for the dry cleaning bill. That's for the cellphone bill. That's for the god damn fucking credit cards. And that's for the fucking lousy tips.
Julad: just another little thing to show that it's getting too much, and also that Justin really needs to sort out his own life as well as Brian's. It's also very very obscurely about performance-- unlike Justin's earlier act to get tips, in this case he's not acting, and he's not getting tips.
He's eternally grateful for Lindsay's fifty bucks when the cab drops him outside Daphne's. It's after midnight, and the apartment is dark. He kicks off his shoes and sits down for a moment, shaking with maybe anger or maybe despair. Probably both. Brian's Hamlet act is out of fucking control.
Julad: so again with the Hamlet, because we all know how Hamlet ends, right? *g* Justin getting desperate because he's not coping and it's looking more and more like this will end very badly indeed.
Speranza: And for the same reason: Brian's inaction. He's reading a
book when he should be attacking the king, etc.
It's after midnight, but he calls Ben anyway. "Where the fuck is Michael?"
"Justin." Ben doesn't sound like he was asleep. "He doesn't tell me where they are."
"Well, when the fuck is he coming back? Brian needs him."
"Yeah, well, I need him too!" Ben shouts. "Emmett needs him, Ted needs him. Debbie needs him, the store needs him. I'm sure Brian needs him as well, but frankly, the person who needs him the most right now is Hunter."
Ben sounds like Justin feels, like he's just trying to hang on for another day, and then another, and then another. Justin presses his head against the wall and listens to Ben's strained breathing.
Julad: I can't remember where this came from but I was really happy when Ben yelled back, lost his cool as well. Part of the reason that I wanted scenes with Emmett and Ted and Ben was to show that the whole world was falling apart around everyone, to spread the crisis everywhere so that Justin couldn't get any help. And then Ben started yelling and I was like, thank you, kind sir, you've saved me from writing at least three other scenes. *g* I also really like that it came at this moment, where they both need help and they can't really help each other.
Speranza: When something's rotten in the state of Denmark, the
pestulence must spread far and wide. *G*
"I'm sorry," he says eventually. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Don't apologise." Ben sighs slowly. "I read the news today. That's gotta be rough."
"Yeah," he admits. "It's rough."
"Emmett and I are looking after each other. Can you handle Brian?"
No, Justin thinks. "Yeah," he says, because if he can't, who else will? "And I'll spend some time with Deb tomorrow. She probably needs somebody to listen to her talk."
"Hey," Ben says gently. "We're supposed to be family, right? We should act like it. Come to dinner tomorrow night, I'll make the curry you like."
"I've got to work," he says, and it makes him tired just thinking about it. God, how long since he's seen Emmett? He doesn't even know how Ted's doing. Without Brian and Michael at the heart of it, their little world has unravelled.
"As soon as you're free, then. And tell me if there's anything I can do to help."
"That would be great," Justin says, feeling a little lighter, and Ben sounds lighter too, as he says goodnight.
For a while, Justin considers calling him back and asking for money to pay Brian's bills. Brian helped Michael out all the time, so it only seems fair. He's reaching for the phone when he realises Deb'll be needing money for Vic's meds and the mortgage, but Michael's not around to help her out. Ben's already paying Mel's costs for Hunter's case, Emmett's paying for Ted's rehab, and Lindsay's supporting a wife, kid, and foetus on a single wage, without any checks from Brian.
He'll ask for money when he needs it more than anybody else, Justin decides, resigning himself to a whole weekend at the diner. But he's man enough to crawl into bed with Daphne, because he needs to sleep and he can't bear to sleep alone.
Julad: I got all teary when I wrote that. Kind of again with the John Birmingham, How to be a Man, he says somewhere that every man needs women, to be all the things he's not (and also to clean the oven so he can get his rental bond money back when he moves *g*), but also echoing Brian's comments about asking for help. This story is partly about what it means to be a man, and I think it's really important that men be willing to seek comfort when they need it. I want to write a story at some stage about why Brian never looks to other people for comfort, but for this I kind of just took it for granted that although Brian is broadcasting distress signals loud and clear, he can't be helped, he still feels he has to save himself-- which of course, is contributing to the problem.
Daphne's an angel in the morning, waking him up with coffee and a kiss.
"Wanna talk about it?" she offers, but Justin's too tired to even talk any more. He curls up at her feet, wishing he could stay there all day. She plays with his hair while he drinks, and offers to drive him to work.
"I'd marry you, if I could," he tells her. It suddenly seems unfair that he can't; that he had to live through the last few years of his life, instead of living at home with his still-married parents, going to college parties with his gorgeous girlfriend.
Julad: so dropping a hint towards the ultimate crisis, that being gay there are obstacles to happiness that straight people don't encounter.
His would-be girlfriend is laughing. "Well, if I was a lesbian, I'd ask you to father my babies."
Justin manages a smile. "I'll father them anyway. Just don't tell your husband."
Julad: so this is where I realised that more Daphne was a Good Thing, and continued with the scene below and then went back and added more of her earlier on.
She comes with him to the diner for breakfast, and convinces Deb to sit down with them for a few minutes. It isn't long before Deb is pouring her heart out, glad for a woman's sympathetic ear.
"Hunter's mom wants him charged with kidnapping! Fucking kidnapping! Michael could go to jail, and Ben would be left all alone, and Hunter would be sent back to that woman, or a god damn delinquent home!"
"That's totally fucked up," Daphne agrees breathlessly, caught up in the drama. Justin wishes he'd thought to bring her here sooner.
"I had the fucking cops in here, nosing around, bothering customers. Can you believe it, the cops!"
Daphne makes all the right noises, and asks all the right questions while Justin gets through his eggs, bacon, toast, and second coffee of the morning. Deb eventually winds down, as much as she ever could.
"Ben said he called, though-- he and Hunter are fine. They don't have much money, because Michael can't use his cards." She clutches her teatowel to her chest. "Oh, I hope they have enough to eat! I can't stand it, thinking of my own son going hungry." She jumps up and returns with two more plates piled high with pancakes, as if feeding somebody else will help the situation. Daphne looks at Justin with a wry smile, and he shrugs. Maybe it will. And anyway, he can't afford lunch.
When she drops him off in the city, Justin leans over and kisses her.
"I fucking love you, Daph."
"You too. I'll see you later, okay?"
He stands on the sidewalk, and waves as she drives off. When her car vanishes around the corner, he turns to stare up at the office building, and thinks about calling Brian. He was worried before, but now he's really starting to get pissed, and he's already late for work, even though he's not getting paid and he doesn't know what the fuck he's still doing there.
The end of the week, he decides. After that, Brian's on his own. He doesn't call, just sighs heavily and heads inside.
Julad: another early scene. More pens. *g*
Apparently, the decrepit hypocrites aren't happy. Nor is Gardner.
"Where the fuck is Kinney?" he hisses, as the Parents for a Drug Free America file past into the conference room.
Justin doesn't know where Brian is, but he doesn't bother getting philosophical with Gardner. He works on the shading in JT's cape. Without Rage and Zephyr, he's just trying to keep the crime wave under control. "Brian's taken up decoupage. He says it's very relaxing."
"I'm starting to think you don't have what it takes," Gardner says. "Maybe the Stockwell fuckup was all his doing, and you were just a passing piece of ass."
Justin doesn't take the bait. "Yeah, well something made him do it, and you know it wasn't his conscience." The shadow behind JT needs to be more sickly, he thinks, but Gardner snatches the green pen away.
"I hired you to get me Kinney, not to draw stupid cartoons."
"You're not paying me to do shit," Justin replies, "so I'm not doing shit. But don't worry. He's working on something. He'll walk in this door and blow your shitty clients through the roof, but not until he's ready." The point of this bullshit has somehow faded; Justin's doing it on principle, now.
Gardner taps his pen, studying the comic, or Justin. "Fine. In the meantime, they're your shitty clients, and it's your job to keep them happy."
Justin pauses outside the conference room, and thinks. People always see exactly what they want to see, but when Brian walks into a room, people see what Brian wants them to see. He steps onto the stage and gives a performance they want to believe in.
Julad: this below was a later addition, after Ces brought up ideas of performance. I'm trying to get across the idea that performance is essential.
Justin musses up his hair a little, untucks his shirt, and takes off his tie. He strolls through the door, hands in pockets, shoulders back, spine loose, and throws himself into a chair like the Genius Wunderkind that he is.
The hypocrite's faces are lighting up, and Justin smiles at them the way Ethan smiled at him, once, making him believe that everything he was missing in his life was waiting, gift-wrapped, behind those eyes.
He keeps them happy by bitching about the drones, and flattering them for knowing that kids won't buy that lame-o bullshit, and scaring the fuck out them with stories of all his junkie friends. After the Tragic Tale of Ted, a Carnegie-Mellon Business Major who found himself getting fucked up the ass on live webcam, they're eating out of his hand. "I have some good ideas," he tells them modestly, "but you need something brilliant, and that takes time."
They leave telling him that he's exactly what they hoped for. It's an empty achievement, because what they want is Brian, or whoever Brian would have pretended to be, but he tells Gardner smugly that he's saved the agency's ass again. Then he finishes another six panels of Rage, feels it pouring out of him as soon as he gets the pen in his hand. JT is at the end of his rope, wondering how long he can hold back the crime wave with a borrowed costume and no superpowers of his own. It's some of his best work ever, but he stares at it without satisfaction. He still doesn't know how the story ends, but maybe when Michael gets back he'll be able to bring about some kind of happy superhero climax.
Julad:'borrowed costume and no superpowers of his own'-- starting to hint that what he's doing is futile if Brian isn't going to come back and help.
After work, Justin fucks a delivery boy in the cafeteria men's room, because he hasn't gotten laid for two days now, and then goes to see his Mom, because he's sick of having no food, and she can at least take him grocery shopping.
Julad: I wanted to maintain that they're not monogamous, and that it doesn't even occur to Justin that he could be. I tend to think canonically Justin does want monogamy, even after the lessons of S3, but for this story I didn't want that for him.
He tells her about Stockwell and PIFA as they push their carts along the aisles, and he gets a super-triple dose of the Mom-look for it.
"Just don't, okay," he mutters, feeling twelve. "I got kicked out, but Brian lost his job because of me, and now he's in deep shit."
The feeling of victory over the forces of evil is long gone, and all that's left is emptiness. He's not an artist any more, he's not an activist, he's just pretending to be somebody who's pretending to be somebody else.
Julad: again, building up the emptiness of this performance for Justin, pretending isn't working as well as it was.
Speranza: this is where you start going all modernist on me; amazing how
after all this, the story turns on *authenticity!* I think its because of
the love story element; ultimately we want to believe that all our BSOs are
special and unique, that Justin *can't* ultimatly just become Brian (though
really? probably? he can.)
Julad: so now I have to break Justin's relationship with Brian, to keep building towards crisis: get him mad at Brian for putting him through this, for not stepping up.
Brian isn't home when his mom drops him back at the loft, so he makes a steak and salad, puts the groceries away, and then wanders around the empty living room, at a loss. The scattered books are freaking him out, and he still can't work out why Brian's reading them. It's some kind of test, he's sure of it, and he's sure Brian's testing himself. There's a weird parallel, he thinks, to what went on while he was with Ethan. Brian's trying to live without money, maybe; proving to himself that his success didn't matter to him. The job, the furniture, the car, the clubbing-- if it hurts Brian to be without them, then he'll kill himself to keep from needing them.
Speranza: I dunno, I kind of like that idea. It's very Zen master. It's
makes Brian's experience almost mystical; 40 days in the wilderness kind of
thing. Starvation as a method of transcendence. (It also foreshadows the
end: once somebody starts doing the mystical suffering thing, eventually
they're going to come back triply empowered. All the religious texts say
Somehow, this conclusion pisses him off more than anything else. Like it would kill Brian to just suffer a loss like a normal human being, to live with a void for a few weeks, to fucking deal with his own problems or even admit to himself that he's been shaken by them. Maybe he would have talked to Michael, eventually, or Michael would have pod-personed into his mother, barged in and started yelling, but nobody else is getting through.
Justin's got his own mother's way of dealing, and that's with proper middle class passive-aggression. He rifles through Brian's closet until he finds a shirt that looks hot on him, wears it to Babylon, picks up a nice twink and then fucks him in Brian's bed. The twink falls asleep there, and Justin lets him, retreating to the window and staring moodily onto the street below. A part of him is watching for the Corvette, and it's an hour before it occurs to him that he won't see it pull up.
Brian gets home at four in the morning, reeking of the Baths. He throws the twink onto the landing and his clothes out the window, leans against the kitchen bench and drains a carton of juice. Wrapped in the ribbons of light coming in through the blinds, he looks lost, so Justin quells his own anger and kisses him softly. He's coming down from something, probably not just E, so he's slow and a little clingy, with that edge of anger riding just under the surface. It's bitter like dark chocolate, and Justin finds himself drowning it the taste of it, choking on the irony of everything going wrong because everything went so right. They make out in the kitchen until the sun comes up, shedding bleary and reluctant grey into the darkness, and then fuck, almost grudgingly. Brian doesn't say anything, and Justin has nothing to say, so they lie side-by-side on the dirty bed until the alarm goes off.
In the shower, Justin dredges up just enough energy to tell Brian about the hypocrites, and how Vangard is going to hell in a handbasket; how Gardner is actually coming to rely on him. Brian twists his lips with what could be anything from bitterness to pride.
While Justin shaves for work, Brian storms around the loft looking for the phone.
"Vance," he says eventually, loud enough for Justin to overhear, and Justin pretends to not listen. "Give him my fucking office, already."
Julad: starting to focus and build, Justin's out of time, out of options, out of energy, out of patience.
I'll just take a massive detour at this point and talk about what was originally going to happen: basically, Justin couldn't cope any longer, so he called Brian and asked for help. Which of course Brian couldn't ignore -- Brian never ignores a cry for help. So Brian shows up and blows the shitty clients through the roof with a campaign which has pictures of fusty old middle-age couples in their awful fusty homes, and the slogan, "Your parents did drugs, and look how they turned out," which of course delights the hypocrites. The theme on this one was more of self-loathing and hypocrisy, and that the hypocrites (and people in general) would only believe something that scorned them as much as their own children did (or society did, or whatever). Brian's angst was more a crisis of belief in this version, that Lindsay was right, that he had changed into a better person but he couldn't believe his own good press. He had too much self-loathing himself to cross over into a life based on the goodness of his actions (as other people saw it), which left him stranded in the middle, in hypocrisy, which he loathed. Any step he took would be an act of hypocrisy, he didn't believe in cynicism any more, but he couldn't believe in his own goodness, so he was frozen in place, unable to move.
But that didn't work because Brian can't save the day with a cynical campaign like that-- the campaign was a step backwards. There were a lot of problems with that version. Plus, I mean, I had all these other competing half-baked theories and I just didn't know where to go or what to do. So it kind of all unravelled at that point and I went running to Cesca for help, and this other version emerged from that.
So below, we have Justin having the crisis of cynicism, it's Justin who loathes the shallowness and the cynicism and manipulation and pretense and everything that Brian believes in.
In Brian's office, Justin sits at a desk covered in sketches and layouts, and fights off a red mist of rage. Brian's accounts all over the desk, and he hates it. It's gross, it's obscene, making fucked up housewives feel good about buying some fucking fabric softener. Debbie buys that brand of ice cream. His Mom wears those shoes. He tried to bring up the phone bill as he left, and Brian just said he should have let it get cut off years ago. He's going to have to work all night at the Diner, or the electricity will be gone, and this is all because Brian has flaked the fuck out on everyone.
"Here," Cynthia says, and hands him a cup of coffee with an extravagant flourish. "Quick, the drug-free people are on their way, and Gardner's running late. Talk to them about what they want, whatever, just keep them entertained."
He doesn't talk to them. He stumbles in, sits down and studies his coffee, the designer glass, the designer beans, the designer fucking fat-free extra-calcium iron-enhanced milk that tastes like crap. He's sick of designer shit. Nobody needs it. Nobody wants it until some stupid commercial makes them think they do, and this is the job he's trying to save for Brian. The whole advertising industry seems like some stupid joke. It probably is, to Brian. Brian must think the entire universe is a stupid joke, and filling it with pictures of happy blond families eating deep-fried chicken wings is probably the punchline, but Justin isn't laughing any more.
While he waits, still seething, for Gardner to show up, one of the hypocrites asks if he's feeling okay. No, he almost screams. He's not fucking okay, and he's sick of acting like he can do everything and be everyone to everybody and magically make everything the fuck all right.
He takes a couple of slow breaths. He's acting like Brian's been acting. Jesus H. fucking Christ.
Julad: a very late addition, and boy was I relieved when I realised the parallel. I mean, I can't emphasise enough my own blindness to this story, my complete failure to understand what was going on. I was stumbling around, grabbing onto this idea and that idea but I was really completely lost, and Ces would point out the story, show me what it was, and I was okay for a bit, but then I'd lose sight of the story again and be lost again. I really had no idea what was happening here.
She's smiling encouragingly at him. "You really don't look well. Perhaps we should reschedule?"
"I just didn't get any sleep last night," he admits grudgingly.
"Out partying?" she says, and grins when he shakes his head. "Handsome young man like you, you should have been."
"My boyfriend's completely fucked up," he tells her, just to wipe the conspiratory smile off her face. "I was up all night waiting for him." Shit, he's thinking, and he wants to cry. Brian.
"Oh." She folds her hands on the table top, and twists her wedding ring. Eventually she looks back up at him and smiles gently. "I used to stay up waiting for my daughter." The shadows in her eyes say the daughter's long gone.
Julad: this came out of nowhere and blindsided me, which prompted another crisis on my part over what the story was, but I knew it was right, I knew I had to run with this but I just couldn't work out what it all meant. But basically, it's driving Justin down until he hits rock bottom on Being Brian, until he really can't do it any more. He's down and I'm kicking him in the balls, basically. *g*
"It's always the nights that stick with you," another man says. "You never knew if you were waiting up for him to come home and smash the furniture, or waiting for a phone call from the hospital."
"Waiting all night in the police station for the paperwork to be done," another adds, and it's like his face comes into focus for the first time: deep blue eyes, salt and pepper hair, ironed white shirt, and the same haunted expression as all the others. Justin feels the quick snap of his memory storing it away to draw later-- the shape of exhaustion in his shoulders, dignity in the linework of his carefully combed hair.
Silence falls around the table, and Justin feels sick with fear and self-loathing. He was going to bullshit his way through this meeting and the entire fucking day, but that isn't possible now. On top of everything else, he' lost his fake Brian edge, because he just can't keep pretending any longer.
Speranza: And here, the postmodernism just drains away; performing is
suddenly pretending, and pretending is bad. I remember wondering, right
around now, if slash--or romance--could be postmodern, because we do have
this conceit of *individuality* in romance (look how the people, the
parents, all get individuated) and think, too, how threatening it would be
to say: "Well, my significant other is replacable; I'm basically looking
for a man who performs as well as he does."
Julad: I think it's not so much individuality as resolution which makes postmodern romance impossible. This story was effectively in postmodern crisis until the modernism came back, in the form of the Hypocrites who are suddenly seen as the Parents, and Authentic. Postmodernism is effectively a perpetual crisis, you can't get any resolution from it, you have to revert to modernism to provide closure. (Now Ces and I have just gone off into a discussion of this. Let me alter my stance-- Wilde could have pulled off some kind of postmodern closure. Brian did. I (through Justin) couldn't.)
Gardner finally saunters in, shakes hands, smiles jovially. Justin doesn't stand.
"So Justin, what have you got for us?" he says, exuding utter confidence in his exciting young account executive. Justin looks around the table, seeing living portraits in every face. He thinks he may puke.
Julad: so Gardner's performing too, it's all an act, the whole thing is a charade.
Speranza: Living *portraits*--even art has come back into it, and art,
here, is the opposite of marketing. *g* All the heirarchies are just
flooding back; the tide of the story has completely reversed.
Julad: Oh, man, did I go around in circles on this, modernism and postmodernism, and the only answer I have is really that you need both, you totally need both. Without modernism, postmodernism has nothing to be 'post' about, it (like Brian) collapses from its own lack of substance, but modernism can't negotiate well enough to survive on its own, it (like Justin) needs there to be something more savvy than itself out there, deconstructing all the shit out of existence (a la Brian, "I didn't say you should be sorry, I said you should apologise.") So as Ces said in beta (and I finally understood weeks later), the story is vaguely about the modern recognising the value of the postmodern, and vice versa.
"Nothing," he replies, staring back down at the table. "I've got nothing." The woman puts her hand on his shoulder.
"Don't be so modest," Gardner says, eyes going hard in his smiling face. "He's one of our very best," he tells the parents. "You'll love it."
"It's fine, Sweetie," the woman tells him. "Keeping kids off drugs, it's an impossible task, we know. But don't you realise we have to try?"
The Brian part of Justin realises that he caught these clients hook, line, and sinker with his fucked up boyfriend crap. Brian, the other Brian, would reel them in. Justin just feels shitty for deceiving them. "I don't want to do this Brian Kinney's way," he tells Gardner. "I want to do it my way."
Julad: I think I could have done this better. Basically this is a major turning point but I don't give any reason for it. I'm not sure.
Gardner takes a few quick breaths and then picks up his briefcase. "Fine," he says. "Waste my time, waste my clients' time, waste everybody's time. Brian Kinney's become a fucking liability, and you can clean out his office when you're done." He nods to the parents and then slams out.
The parents stare at the door, but Justin starts telling them about Brian, and how addictive he is, and why he doesn't work at Vangard anymore, and how it feels to be on ecstasy, dancing until it feels like sex, and why fucking up the Stockwell campaign was better than the best drugs he's ever had, and how Brian is acting now.
"I don't have anything yet," he confesses when the story's finished. "But I know you don't have time to be fucked up when you've got something better to do."
They look around the table at one another, and nod. "You understand exactly what we want to achieve with this campaign," the woman says. "We want you to work with us."
Justin lets out a breath he didn't realise he was holding. He wants this account, he realises. He wants to do this, and do it his way; his own twist on agit-prop, stirring from within. He can make something real out of this. He thanks them, studies their faces one last time, and sees them out.
It's all a matter of looking at it from the right angle. He's not Brian fucking Kinney. He's Justin god damn motherfucking Taylor. Let Brian be the cynical one, let Brian study it from all angles, let Brian do the careful planning and make the brilliant gameplays. Justin Taylor follows his heart, and he knows--he didn't know, but he knows it now-- that his heart has the power to move mountains.
Julad: so here's the turning point, which really happened a few paragraphs back, but this is the detail of it. Justin can't be Brian, because he isn't Brian.
Speranza: Because he's an *artist*...he follows his *heart*...he's an
*individual*...It's Revenge Of The Modernists! *G*
And that's why he's getting nowhere, with Brian. He tried to out-Brian Brian, but Brian doesn't buy make-believe, he sells it. He knows make-believe from the inside out, and it has no power over him. Michael, Deb, Lindsay-- the only thing that Brian can love, the only thing that can move him, is honest-to-God *sincerity*.
Julad: 'Brian doesn't buy make-believe, he sells it.' I spent literarlly pages, paragraph after paragraph, trying to explain why he couldn't out-Brian Brian, and then finally wrote that line and, with a huge sigh of relief, deleted the rest.
Justin picks up the phone and calls him. "I love you," he says. "I need you. I want you to be happy."
Brian laughs at him. "In way over your head, aren't you, Sunshine?"
"No, actually," he says, and it's the truth. "I'm doing fine. But you need your job back, Brian. "
"Well, maybe I don't want it back," he sneers.
In the background, Justin can hear the turn of a page, and it pisses him off. "That's bullshit. You want it back. You want the money and the power. You want to walk into the room with an attitude and make them want nothing but you."
"Is that what you think?" Brian asks, in the voice that means danger.
"It's what I fucking know!" Justin yells, because fuck danger. He's never been afraid of Brian. "You get off on this crap! This shit makes you fucking happy. You live to shove the fake fucking straight world down people's throats, and you love queering all over it. This is how you survive, Brian-- by beating them at their own game."
Julad: again, took me ages and pages to describe and figure out why Brian was in advertising, why it was good that he did this, and finally wrote that and realised it was all I needed. The thing is, somewhere out there is always the perfect line or perfect phrase to describe exactly what you want, but by god you have to go through a lot of wrong lines and wrong phrases to get there.
Brian snickers. "But I didn't survive. I got fired, remember? I'm a sick, twisted faggot, and I'm not allowed to win."
And somehow it all makes sense, then, with that as the twisted perspective Brian sees it from. He was forced to choose between being successful, and being gay. He achieved everything he'd ever worked for, with the Stockwell account-- the sick, twisted faggot had prestige, respect, influence, power, and then he lost it because he was gay.
Julad: I'm not happy, in retrospect, that I didn't build up to this more, and have more to do with homophobia in the rest of the story. I think I had to waste a lot of time establishing this after the fact, and although I'm relatively happy with how it came out, if I was writing this story from scratch it would probably look very different.
"Fine," he says, pissed off that Brian would let that stop him, after all Justin's been through. "Fine! Fuck victory. A sick, twisted faggot needs freedom, you taught me that."
"Sure, Sunshine," Brian says. "Whatever you say. So run along, and let me enjoy my freedom from employment."
Justin wants to smash the phone on the edge of the conference table. "You're not fucking enjoying it, Brian! You're not free! Stockwell cost you everything that mattered to you, and now you're too chickenshit fight him again. You're just sitting in your empty loft like it's a fucking prison cell!"
"Is that what you think?" Brian asks again, deadly now.
"I think you better get your ass in here, or I'll tell Gardner you've lost your balls."
"I'm taking Gus to the zoo today. Maybe some other time," Brian says, and hangs up.
So much for honesty. Jesus fucking Christ. Where the fuck is Michael when Brian needs him? Justin dials again. "Fuck you, asshole!" he yells into the machine. "Whatever they took, take it the fuck back! Be a real fucking fag, and get it all back!" He knows Brian can hear him, but he slams down the phone. There's really nothing else to say.
Julad: so, as we find out later, this is what moves Brian into action-- honest anger, honest words, honest emotion. For Justin, heart is everything, it moves mountains.
His hands are trembling, and he runs them through his hair. And fuck, it's true, he realises-- Brian hit the glass ceiling, and he hit it hard. He couldn't keep acting as if he could do it all, be it all, have it all. He had to choose, success or faggot, and that shattered him. Brian Kinney no longer believes in his own performance.
It shakes Justin more than he can bear to think about, realising that not even Brian Kinney can keep pretending that fags can always win. He hates it, he really hates it, knowing that no matter how good he is, how carefully he plays the game, how cleverly he handles himself, there will be Stockwells, ceilings, people who will let him go so far and no further. He's fought so fucking hard, just to get this far, and it hurts to think that he'll never stop running into brick walls with FAGGOT spraypainted on them. He hates what it feels like to be gay right now, and he hates that he can still be made to feel like that.
Julad: God, I'm really not sure if this is clear, but I rewrote those two paragraphs so many times that in commentary, there's really nothing to add. All I can say is that this is key, this is the explanation. Brian survived on the force of his own performance (Brian's value is in the image and not the product, in a way) and when that failed, he crashed and burned, because it was self-powering-- the performance of being able to do anything enabled him to pull off the performance of being able to do anything. There's been some discussion of whether even Justin's theory was right, but in my own personal theory, yeah, Justin's right, Justin finally understands it, understands Brian, because he's been there and done that.
Speranza: Actually, what I'd add here, which probably won't make it any
clearer but what the hell, is that identity politics need modernism--it's
very hard to have a pomo identity politics. Identity politics depend, in a
way, on the stability of identity (How can you fight for gay people once
you deconstruct the category of "gay"? How can you fight for group X if
group X is always on the verge of dissolving? For the purposes of
politics, you have to at least *pretend* to a cohesive, stable identity,
see? And you need to believe in action, and cause and effect; in other
words, political action kind of HAS to be earnest like this.) So
ultimatly, once Julad was able to articulate that what she admired about
Brian was his "Take them on" gay-political self, the modernism was
inevitable and postmodernism became the problem. (This is true in life,
too. I have a very smart friend who likes to say that there's no such thing
as race, and technically, that's true. But try telling that to somebody
who's beating you up with a bat.
Julad: crap, I already talked about this in response to Ces above, so I stole her thunder on making this point, but she said it first, I got all that from her.
But he already knows, deep in his bones, and in all the places where Hobbes hit him, and all the places where Brian kissed him, that the answer is not to give up. It's his own argument, coming back to him-- he's got better things to do than be fucked up by this. He takes a deep breath, wipes his cheeks dry, then pages Cynthia to bring him art supplies and coffee. It takes a moment to get his hand warmed up, and then he sits at the conference table and fills page after page with ideas for the campaign: Don't take it up the arm. Fuck them up. Raise some fresh hell. It's coming from his heart, now, an avalanche of righteous anger, and he knows it's exactly what the youth of today need.
He can see it in his mind, he can feel it in his blood, taste victory coming together as he sketches. It won't reach every dumb kid, but it'll reach some. It'll make the parents feel like they've done something, and it'll make him feel like he's done something, too.
And he's done it, he thinks, staring at the pages with satisfaction. He can hardly believe it, but it's an entire campaign, right there. He turns a new page and starts sketching faces, feeling the artist in him take over. Each of those parents takes life on the paper, in pain and in all sincerity, stories and losses that Justin only half-understands etched into the lines around their eyes and lips. He'll mount them and show them in a gallery somewhere, show the calmly resolved aftermath of grief and suffering, show the moment when he learned his own way of doing the job that will buy him the freedom to draw everything he wants.
This is important, because Brian was right, back when he had faith. Every fag needs freedom. Brian needs to be free of limitations, but for Justin, it's freedom of expression that counts. He can sleep on fucking couches and he can wait on tables, he can settle down with a partner who pays the bills, he can do whatever it takes to keep the freedom he needs. He can even work for Gardner, because he understands, now, that he'll walk away from it if he has to, and he won't be losing anything important when he goes.
He didn't lose anything when he walked away from PIFA, because he still has his freedom. He's Justin fucking Taylor, and he's a gay man, and he's an artist. He's gonna be the fucking best, and looking down at this portrait series, he knows he will be. This is his finest work to date, but more importantly, he believes in it with all his heart.
Julad: so now Justin has figured out what's wrong with Brian, and also sorted out his own life, because he knows what matters to him, he's re-discovered how to be Justin. All that remains is for Brian to be fixed, and look who it is, entering stage left...
"Hey, Sonny Boy," he hears, and looks up to see Brian leaning in the doorway, holding a sleeping Gus.
"Hey," Justin says, rubbing his eyes, not sure if he's really seeing him. The office behind him is dark. "What time is it?"
"Late. After ten."
He looks down at the table in amazement. There are twenty or thirty pages spread over it-- an entire day's work.
Brian leans down and kisses him, and then hands him Gus, who grizzles quietly. He has ketchup all over his face.
Julad: the return of Brian the careless father. This ought to be Justin's clue that Brian is back. *g* But of course, he doesn't figure it out, because that would ruin the suspense.
Justin rolls his eyes and licks his fingers, trying to gently rub it off. He doesn't know why Brian's here, and he doesn't want ask just yet. Brian's here, and right now that feels like a little sunlight breaking through the clouds.
Brian sifts through the scattered sketches. "Not bad, Sunshine."
"Yeah?" Justin can't help it; his heart beats faster when Brian's around.
Leaning against the edge of the table, Brian's got that distant glitter back in his eyes. "Yeah," he says softly. "You'll do just fine."
Julad: note the 'you'll do'-- I'll talk about this later.
Justin will never be immune to the thrill of Brian's approval. It's electrifying, validating; it makes him happy, fulfilled, proud. It makes him hard, too, but Brian always has that effect on him.
Brian reaches for him, but Justin steps back.
"Did you talk to Gardner?"
Brian steps after him, eyes glittering with intent. Justin's knees want to weaken, want to put him down on the carpet with his face in Brian's crotch, but he grabs a chair and clings to it, trying to keep his priorities in order.
"I'm not fucking kidding, Brian. I've had enough of your shit."
"I've got other things to do first. Like you."
"No." It's not good enough, it really isn't. "I'm so fucking angry with you," he begins, but Brian leans in and silences him.
Julad: I didn't want Justin to roll over, I wanted him to be really angry, still, but of course Brian wants to get laid, yet another clue for Justin, if I was willing to let him pay attention. *g* 'I'm so fucking angry with you,' is from another story I had half plotted, which also spawned The Unapocalypse, a story in which Brian sleeps with Michael. I didn't really plan to write that story but really wanted to use the line.
The kiss feels good, it feels dirty and sexy and strong, carnal like raw meat. Brian's tongue rubbing hard against his own makes him want to spread his legs as wide as he can. Brian's fingers yanking his hair make him want to present his naked ass to every man who wants it. He moans into it, because he can't help but need it. It feels slutty and easy and wrong, Brian's unique flavour of sensuality. Hard and cruel and humiliating, so utterly wanton that everything else feels like the chickenshit version of what sex was meant to be.
Justin wants to stop, wants to slap some fucking sense into Brian, but Brian's hand is squeezing his cock, demanding and unforgiving, and the words choke in Justin's throat.
Julad: so, yeah, Brian could have walked in and said, "I'm all better now, thanks Honey," but of course he wouldn't, and that's doubleplus good because I get to write more interesting sex than I would otherwise, sex with actual tension and plot development and stuff. Sex is always more interesting when it's got plot in it, plus I'm warped for life by the sex scene in 220(?), when Justin doesn't want it and Brian makes him want it and then leaves him on the floor. That was brilliant, but I kind of wanted to write a version in which it turns out okay.
"You want it like this," Brian whispers, lifting his hands away from the chair and putting them around his neck. "You love it when you don't want it." Justin almost sighs with mixed lust and despair, lets his knees give out and leans heavily on him. He closes his eyes in exhaustion and relief, but when he opens them again, he sees Gus asleep on a chair, four feet away.
"Shit, no, wait, Gus."
There's a tongue trailing the curves of his ear, making his head spin, and Brian tips him back on the table, where Justin can only see the ceiling.
He struggles to sit up. "Brian, no, not with him right there."
Brian smiles, feral. He pushes Justin's thighs apart and reaches for his waistband. "I'm gonna rim you until you're dying to be fucked," he whispers, smoky hot, "and you're gonna beg me to do it."
Julad: ahaha, I remember asking Seperis/Jenn, "should I do it? I don't know if they should have sex in front of Gus." And I wanted to do because it would be another sign that Brian is back, back, BACK, but I didn't know if I could cross that line. Turns out, I could. *g*
This is getting more wrong by the minute, but Brian's right, Justin loves it like this. He'll take the sex and screw everything else, he thinks, hating himself as Brian's lips on his throat drag low moans out of him. He helps Brian get his shirt off, and clutches it against his mouth as Brian drags his pants down, trailing his tongue wet and hard as he goes. His legs are spread and lifted, and he feels a thumb pressing possessively at his asshole.
"Say yes," Brian insists, faint glitter of sweat on his cheeks adding to the madness. "Say I can make you want this."
He wants to be fucked already, he wants to feel cock taunting him right where Brian's thumb is, and he's already pushing greedily for the intrusion, but he doesn't want to settle for the chickenshit version of this. "Make me beg," Justin whispers. "I'll beg you for it."
Julad: so yes, back to the idea of balls, it takes balls to have sex like this, to take sex to the limits, and I'm wanting to show that, basically, Justin and Brian have perfectly matched sets of balls. *g* Incidentally, I was worried that people would read how I wrote the sex as homophobia. I mean, I'm basically framing it as dirty, sick, and wrong. Of course this is a reclamation of that dirtiness on Justin's part, like the reclamation of words like bitch and fag and so on, but I worried people wouldn't get that.
"Good boy," Brian murmurs, and jacks him slowly while his thumb taunts some more; jacks him far too slowly, a cruel restraining pace, until Justin's lifting his ass and offering it in mute desperation.
"Please," Justin whispers. "Please."
Brian slows down even further, like he's thinking about walking away, and Justin knows he won't let him, knows he'll do anything to have this entire experience. He grabs Brian's wrist and pulls his hand away, reaches for the other one, reaches for Brian's face to push him down.
Brian catches both his hands in one hand, places Justin's discarded t-shirt over his face with the other, and then puts Justin's hands on top of it. He's blinded and muted and he clings to the soft cotton, inhaling his own sweat, and groans into it as he feels Brian's tongue circling him.
It's slutty and easy and wrong again, cruel and hard and humiliating, and they're on the conference table in Vangard, and Gus is asleep on a chair, and they didn't even shut the fucking door, and Justin moans harder and just lets himself feel it. This is why there's nobody but Brian for him, why there's never gonna be. This is why Brian is so important-- because all the shit, all the hurt, all the phobia, comes down to cocks in asses. It's about being wired to fuck like this, and if you're not going to take that cock and squeeze every last drop of ecstasy from it, all the other crap is for nothing.
This is for Hobbes, Justin thinks as Brian's tongue sends a slow dirty fire along his nervous system, as his mind slides sideways into rivulets of lava. This is for the school principal and that fucking judge, and his fuckhead father. This is for the PIFA board, and his bones are melting from the filthy hot lust he has for cock in his ass.
And oh, he wants it now; he wants Brian to fuck him. His cock is so hard for it, and his hands are clutching fistful's of Brian's hair, driving him further and further in. He's flung the t-shirt aside and he opens his eyes to see Brian's hands on his legs; belatedly, he feels that gripping fingers are bruising his thighs. It's the only kind of pain that matters. Justin throws back his head and laughs through his breathless moans-- Brian's going to fuck him until they both pass out, and he won't have to beg, because this is for Stockwell and Gardner and glass ceilings, and the Center, and Brian's family, and everyone who's ever had a problem with what Brian Kinney does with his cock.
"C'mon," he gasps, still laughing at them all. "Fucking do it."
Julad: and he's realised now, that Brian's himself again, that Brian is reclaiming his right to fuck his brains out however he likes. One thing I think I didn't get across was that Brian had to fuck Justin before he confronted Gardner, he had to reclaim his queerness before he reclaimed his success.
"Anything you say, Sunshine," and then Brian's over him, kissing him deeply with a tongue that's just been licking him into madness, and Justin kisses back, a promise. Brian slides a condom between their teeth and Justin bites down on foil, spits out the corner and then they're kissing again. He soaks up Brian's silent groan as he puts it on, and then the world stops, breathless.
Brian raises an eyebrow at him. "Ready?"
"What, are you still chickenshit?" Justin taunts, and Brian answers with a thrust that makes his eyes roll back in his head. Fuck, it hurts, and it's fucking amazing. It hurts him and fills him and stretches him and makes him whole. He's laughing again, seeing waves of red behind his eyelids, gasping at the rightness of getting exactly what he was wired for.
"Yes," he's chanting, loving every second of it. "Yes." He lives for this. For better or for worse, it defines them both. Brian pushes in, hard, and Justin pushes back, harder. It's a dance beyond logic for them, mindless but perfectly right, as Brian's fingers tear at his hair and Justin's hands clutch his hips.
They're both gasping for breath, and Justin lets his eyes fall shut as it builds from his ass out, along his spine to his scalp and through his veins to his very toenails. He's going to come, feels it coalesce in his balls as Brian grabs his thighs, lifts him up and fucks him harder.
"Do it," Brian orders, through gritted teeth. "Come from this."
There's never been anything easier. Justin lets out what breath he has left and just comes, lets the dirty sexy heat of it white out his mind and spill over his body. He rides it, burning alive, over Brian's jagged thrusting and then eases down through sunset shades of red and pink and orange to the golden warmth of Brian slowly softening inside him.
"Fuck," Brian gasps, head down, still panting.
Justin sighs breathlessly. "Hell, yeah."
Brian smirks and steps back, removing himself carefully and letting Justin's legs back down. Justin watches through half-lidded eyes as he throws the condom in the trash, does up his pants, adjusts his collar and reaches up selfconsciously to assess the state of his hair. Justin laughs at him.
"You're a tool, Brian, you know that?"
Julad: ahaha, I had to do that. I just had to have a moment where Brian was a tool, and Justin said so.
Brian leans over with a secret smile, and touches his lips to Justin's. "You're fucking amazing, you know that?" There's a way Brian's voice sounds on rare occasions, warm and alive. It only happens in the moments after he's come hard enough to knock his walls down, and it sounds like that now.
Justin stretches the kinks out of his muscles, basking in approval. "I know." There's come all over his stomach, already going sticky. He grabs his shirt and sits up, still tingling all over. "Back in a second. I gotta go down the hall, clean up."
Brian opens an invisible door in the conference room wall to reveal a bathroom. "Guess you don't know everything yet."
Julad: in other words, I fucked up and put a bathroom in the conference room. *g* I can't think now why I didn't just have Justin go down the hall.
"Give me time," Justin tells him, and goes inside. He has to grin at his own reflection in the mirror-- he looks well-fucked and then some. He wets a towel and wipes his face and body, then makes a half-hearted attempt at tidying his hair.
When he comes out, Brian's checking on Gus, and Justin gets a cold shock at the realisation of what they did in front of him.
Brian catches the look on face. "He wasn't going to wake up."
Heart in his mouth, Justin checks for himself. He taps Gus' arm and is almost faint with relief when he doesn't respond. "Jesus, Brian. How could you be so sure?"
"He's down for the fucking count, okay? The zoo's the fucking White Party for kids." Brian grimaces. "Complete with the tweaked out twinks running around shrieking, and the less fortunate puking in the sawdust."
Julad: return to status quo, Justin as the sensible one, Brian utterly self-centred and irresponsible (and how I love him for it.) I was so amused by that line and indeed, entertained myself for hours while driving to work, picturing Brian at the zoo with Gus. I should mention that I do most of my planning while half-asleep at night or half-awake in the morning, vampire sleep as Nemoinis once called it. Things are very vivid at that time, and flow more easily, and that's when the good ideas come thick and fast. Last year I had an hour-long drive to work and I used the drive to refine ideas, work out details. Most of what I thought up then, I never wrote, but it was essential groundwork which meant that when I sat down to write, I kind of knew my characters, what they'd say, how they might do something, etc.
Picturing Brian at the zoo, the complete annihilation of the devoted father act, Justin has to laugh at him. "You poor baby," he mocks. "How did you cope?"
"Planning," Brian says, and his face goes hard. "Let's go talk to Gardner Vance."
Julad: so part of the fun of picturing Brian at the zoo is that he's staring at piles of elephant shit and thinking that this is what he's been reduced to, and riding on some miniature train and thinking about how to get back at Stockwell, or wincing in pain at two kids screaming over a dropped ice-cream and vowing that somebody will suffer for this. Or he's on his cellphone, talking to Mel and ordering furniture and cars, while Gus is tugging insistently on his hand, wanting to see the zebras again, and Brian picks him up and carries him back to the zebras, or buys him a hot dog and hands it to him to keep him quiet, talking on the phone the whole time. I was very, very, very amused.
Justin knocks softly, according to Brian's plan.
"Who's there?" Gardner asks, and Justin sticks his head through the door. Gardner's the only one left in the office, and his desk is piled high with papers and mockups and reports. There's some kind of classical music playing, but he looks haggard. The half-empty coffee mug on his desk almost makes Justin feels sorry for him, but not sorry enough to suggest a run to Starbucks.
Julad: by this point, I myself was starting to feel sorry for Gardner. I was trying to still treat the character with respect, because obviously he's a very smart and capable man, and hey, I love Gardner to death, but I had to bring him down to get Brian back, and was feeling rather guilty for that.
"You're still here? Come in." He hands a stack of folders to Justin. "Since you're so good at keeping clients happy, keep these people happy tomorrow. And you have my express permission to ream Dan and Don new assholes while you're at it."
"That sounds like work," Justin says, and with the post-coital glow emanating from his bones, he feels himself getting flirty. "You want to trying paying me for it?"
Gardner looks at him for a long moment. "You've got some balls, kid." He taps his pen against a pile of folders. "You've got ideas, and you've got a way with clients, but you don't know half the shit you need to know."
"So?" Justin shrugs. "The drones know the shit. Cynthia knows it. Just pay me for what I'm good at, and I'll spend the rest of my time on my art." He flips idly through the folders, and then offers them back. "Or I can keep waiting tables. I'm cute and sexy, so I make a lot of money in tips. Your call."
Julad: smug, blithe, full of shit. Obviously this is Brian's plan. *g*
After another long pause, Gardner leans back in his chair and rubs his temples. "Pull another stunt like the Stockwell one, and I'll have you shot. I mean it."
"I won't," Justin promises, and he means it too. "I'm not Brian, and I won't play games with homophobic assholes. I'll walk away first."
"I'll settle for that much," Gardner agrees. "We'll sort out the details tomorrow."
So he's too tired to haggle. Justin really feels sorry for him, now. "I've got a present for you," he says, and pulls the door back. "You remember Brian Kinney?"
For a moment Gardner looks like he's seen his personal saviour, but then he schools his face into a frown. "I think I remember somebody by that name. Wasn't he the one who fucked over this agency because he couldn't keep his politics in his pants?"
Julad: personal saviour, obviously a nod to Josselin's LJ posts.
"That's the one," Justin says cheerfully as Brian hands him Gus. "Offer him ten percent and backpay, and he's yours. And get him a new office, because I'm keeping the old one."
Gardner laughs at them.
Julad: so yeah, I had to have Gardner resist and that turned out to be a good thing, because it forced me to come up with more and better brilliance from Brian. I kept thinking, no, that's just not good enough to convince Gardner, I have to do better.
Brian just smiles serenely. "Jackson Pharmaceuticals and West Morton Financial have approached me; they can be signed tomorrow." He tosses a couple more folders onto Gardner's overflowing desk. "But that's small fry. Your problem, Gardner, is that you lack vision."
Julad: random detail. When I was a kid, my father got this huge stack of stickers from a place called Ipswich and West Moreton Building Society. Stickers were exciting and fun, so I stuck the stickers on everything I owned, five layers deep, and was haunted by them for years after they stopped being cool. I only put them on the furniture once, though, because Mum stood over me with arms folded while I very, very carefully removed every last trace of sticker from her great aunt's antique silky oak chest of drawers. I hate coming up with names for shit and I was like, some financial thing, okay, some good can come out of those fucking stickers.
"Do I really?" The dry chuckle sounds lethal.
"That's why you never landed Brown Athletics, and why your cock's not quivering over what I did to Stockwell."
Gardner tilts his chair back and presses his fingertips together. "You mean, exposing a client's dirty laundry just in time to hand a silver-plated victory to his rival? Dragging this agency's name through the mud with your own abominable conduct? I fail to see how that could possibly benefit this agency."
"That's very good, Vance. Admitting your failures is a big step towards personal growth." Brian applauds sarcastically. "Now try thinking outside the fucking box for a second. You never wanted Stockwell in the first place-- you wanted his backers. Stockwell was just the bait, and who the fuck cares what happens to bait?" Brian leans against the doorframe, and studies his cuticles. "When the inquiry proves me right, I'll have the new Mayor of Pittsburg in my debt, and Stockwell's cronies switching teams so fast your head will spin. I'm positioned to scoop the backers from both sides, and the city contracts for the rest of Deekins' term. And guess what?" Brian smiles at him, shark-like. "I can do it for you, or I can do it for a rival agency."
Gardner stops laughing. Justin's almost breathless himself. That's more than the best possible fuck from a situation; that's a first class fucking orgy.
"I think I want to be senior partner," Brian announces, and drapes his arm around Justin's shoulder, resting his hand on Gus' head. "And we need a car, Honey. Do you think we should ask him for a Jeep or a 'vette?" Justin smirks and leans up for a kiss; Brian gives him one.
"You're not getting a fucking car," Gardner snarls, equilibrium back. "And you're sure as hell not getting promoted. Five percent and backpay."
"Maybe." Brian pretends to think. "If the Boy Wonder gets my old salary."
"Half what you got would be ridiculous. Twenty percent."
Justin has no idea what Brian's salary is, but he's fairly sure twenty percent of it is a great wage for sitting around and drawing Rage half the day.
Julad: in other words, I didn't want to do any research or any math.
Brian shakes his head. "Forty."
"Reviewed after three months."
"Done. You get your old office, and the kid can share it."
Julad: I rewrote the negotiations over and over, because I kept changing my mind about what Gardner would accept, what Brian would accept. It was a long process of negotiation and I never really was happy with the result, which I guess is typical of any negotiation so it must be right. *g*
"Separate offices, or there'll be nine levels of hell to pay."
Justin nods fervently.
Julad: I also had a lot of fun imagining the hell that would result from Brian and Justin sharing an office.
"Fine." Gardner sighs. "I hate your guts for this, Kinney. You're in toilet paper purgatory 'til next Christmas."
"Firing me was the dumbest move you ever made," Brian says coldly, and Justin's almost shocked to hear such ice in his voice when his arms are warm around him. "I could hold out for senior partner, and you know it." Gardner stares up at him in despair, but Brian tilts his head and turns the charm up. "And I really do need a new car. My best friend ran from the cops in mine. He got involved with a fifteen-year-old whore-- you know how it is with us fags."
Julad: fun, fun, fun, fun, fun! Oh, Brian was fun with this. Justin was fun, while he was having fun being Brian, but Brian is better, cause he hits below the belt and he means it.
Gardner puts his head in his hands. "Don't do this to me."
"Relax." Brian takes a few casual strides over to Gardner and claps his shoulder. "Because I like you so much, I'll let it go. For that ten percent raise."
"Are we done? Do you want my firstborn?"
"I want the fabric softener account," Justin tells them. "And the ice cream. And the shoes."
Julad: just a quick mention: Justin takes the accounts that mean something to his mother, to Deb, etc. Justin's my hero! He's going to save me from condescending advertising, although I really don't know how that's possible.
"Good," Brian says. "Take the diapers as well, I hate that shit."
Justin shifts Gus in his arms, which are starting to ache. "I don't know why. You never changed a diaper in your fucking life."
Brian smiles down at him, the perfect Brian smile. "Well, I had you for that, didn't I?"
Julad: ah, the sweet bitchy sounds of order restored in QAF-land.
"Get out before I have a fucking heart attack," Gardner tells them, and they do.
Brian Kinney really is back in the building, Justin realises, when Brian pulls out a set of keys and points to a gleaming new Maserati.
Justin glances back and forth between the car and Brian, Brian and the car, until Brian finally nods at him. "Oh my God," he breathes, and runs over to check it out. It's fucking gorgeous-- a rich midnight blue with silver accents, colours of wealth and confidence. It's sleek, it's shiny, and it flaunts sex in every curved line, power in every smooth steel angle. It's smug, blithe, and oozes success. "This is fucking amazing."
"It'll do," Brian says, studying it fondly.
Julad: 'It'll do'-- crops up a couple of times with regard to Justin. I said in an LJ comment that Justin is thus the Maserati of homosexuals. Also, I really do mean where I imply below that Brian bought this car to drive to the inquiry. The car's a prop in Brian's show of success and self-confidence, chosen for that exact purpose. And also because I don't know shit about cars, but I prefer the other reason.
"So you already had a new car?" Justin bounces in glee. "Wow, that was cruel."
"He deserved it."
Justin can't stop circling it, running his hands over the cool metal just to feel the silky finish of the paint. This is the car Brian's going to drive to the inquiry. Justin's going to make popcorn, and call everyone he knows. "How can you afford this?"
"I had a nice payrise coming," Brian smirks, unlocking the doors, "so I mortgaged the loft.
Julad bursts out in frustration: I just DO NOT UNDERSTAND when people say Brian needs to sell the loft. Now, I don't know property prices in the States but I'm guessing the loft is worth a HELL of a lot more than a hundred thousand dollars. We also know from canon that Brian owns it outright-- he paid it off with the bonus from the homophobic guy with the yucky drinks. I can accept for purposes of dramatic poverty that Brian burns through money like there's no tomorrow, and has no investments or whatever, but I just draw the line at the idea that he needs to sell the loft.
And you have a big fat income now, so you can pay back your tuition and I'll have it cleared in a year. Oh, and," he leans against the hood, basking in the ethereal glow of the lamplight, or of his own magic, "the inquiry is giving Mikey a Get Out of Jail Free card if he brings his little hustler back to testify, so I can have my 'vette back as well. And the Vampire Dyke From Hell is countersuing Stockwell for whatever Vampire Dykes countersue for, which should pay for the Corbusier lounge suite and the new TV."
Julad: so Brian's back online and bam, bam, bam, problems solved. My point here is kind of that the solutions to these problems were there all along, but it took a particular frame of mind to see them, to look for not just a way out but a way out on top, the best possible fuck.
All that, and he took Gus to the zoo. It's all Justin can do to keep from rolling his eyes. "And did you find time in your busy miracle-working day to cure world hunger?"
Brian lights a cigarette. "Why the fuck would I do that? Those starving-kiddies campaigns are worth millions."
Julad: ahahaha, okay, totally my favourite line in this story.
Justin has never in his whole life been so relieved to hear Brian pretending to be a selfish asshole. He straps Gus into the back seat and then hugs Brian until he thinks his arms will break. "You fucking prick," he says. "I missed you so much."
"Why?" Brian says lightly. "Did I go somewhere?"
He went somewhere, Justin knows. He's run a fucking marathon in Brian's shoes, and he knows what being Brian is like. And Justin understands, now, that admitting he stumbled just isn't in Brian's repertoire. He never has and he never will, and frankly, Justin's fine with that. "You're here now," he says, sliding his hands down to grab Brian's ass, "so let's go home and fuck our brains out."
Brian hums noncommitally. He's grinning from ear to ear.
It's two in the morning when they get Gus to the Munchers' house, because the Maserati demands to be driven on the freeway, and exit after exit passes before they can bring themselves to take an off-ramp. Brian even lets Justin drive for a while, and the way the it turns under his hands, the way it accelerates beneath his foot, forces him to concede that there might be one thing in the universe better than sex.
When they finally pull up at the kerb, Brian refuses to get out of the car. "You take him in, Lindsay won't cut off my sperm-tastic balls, and we'll all avert certain disaster."
The front light comes on, and the door swings open to reveal Melanie, looking seriously pissed.
"Fuck." Brian slides down in the seat. "Hurry up, or she'll ruin my hard-on."
Justin gets Gus and leans him in the window for a kiss from Brian. Brian rolls his eyes and complies, and Justin hurries up the path and hands Gus off to Mel, who is definitely poised for the mother of all Brian-Kinney-is-an-irresponsible-prick rants.
"Tell Lindsay everything's fine now," he says quickly, and runs back down to the Maserati and flings himself in. Tires screech on suburban asphalt as Brian spins them around, and Mel's shouting fades quickly behind them.
Julad: basically I just couldn't resist another scene of revelling in Brian being his usual shit of a self, but also I had to get Gus home. Originally Justin said something in the previous section about getting him home but that broke up the moment and after writing and rewriting that, I finally just went to a new section do it, but made it quick, and used the moment to say out loud that yeah, it's gonna be a happy ending here.
They fuck on all three pieces of the new lounge suite, which is amazing, and there's a new rug on the floor, so they fuck on that. The new dining table is fantastic, so Justin pushes Brian onto it and sucks him off, nice and slow, until he's sprawled like liquid sex all over it, gasping for breath. He wants to fuck against the huge new TV, but Brian insists its not worth Justin's miserable life to damage it, and puts DVD porn on instead.
Julad: ha, sex and exposition in one fell swoop. I really needed to get across that in a day Brian had set everything to rights, including re-furnishing the loft, and I also didn't want to write another sex scene. Sometimes, you can get what you want AND what you need.
They collapse on the sofa, half watching as the screen fills with cocks three feet long.
"It's kind of gross, isn't it?" Justin says, and breaks up giggling when the camera closes in on an asshole sixty inches wide.
"We'll just have to buy another TV for the bedroom," Brian says, turning it off. He puts the remote down and picks up the snuff box with his dope stash in it.
The sight of it sends a shiver down Justin's spine. He's seen enough stoned Brian this month to last him a lifetime.
"What's the matter?" Brian croons, running a finger down Justin's chest. "Are drugs bad?"
Justin's feeling well-fucked and overwrought and a little bit sulky, so he snuggles in closer. "You fucking scared me, Brian. You really freaked me out."
"That's because I'm a scary son of a bitch." Brian takes one of the library books on the new coffee table, carefully tears a page out, and rolls a joint with it.
"Brian!" Justin shouts, sitting up. "Jesus Christ."
Julad: No, wait, rolling a joint with a page torn from a library book is my favourite line. I work in libraries, and to me this is the most selfish and irresponsible thing Brian could do, so of course I had him do it. Ahaha, actually, no, it's sort of Brian symbolically destroying his earlier behaviour, his failure to cope. But I was so happy when my flatmate Lennie read this part, and she gasped in horror. "He destroyed a library book!" she shouted. "He's going to HELL." I'm really amused that this is a worse crime in many eyes (mine included) than fucking Justin in front of Gus.
Brian hands the joint to Justin and starts rolling another. "For a pretentious literary jerk-off, it wasn't bad. You should have read it."
Justin snatches the book away, and assesses the damage. Alas, Foucault's Pendulum is no more. "Why the fuck were you reading it?"
Brian shrugs. "Boredom."
Almost rolling his eyes in despair, Justin thumbs through what's left of it. Drugs, sex and irresponsible fatherhood are one thing, but Brian just destroyed a library book. He can't escape a sense of impending doom. "You know what?" he says. "You're not some fucking hero. You're a prick."
"But honey, I thought I was your hero."
Justin grins. "You're my prick. I'm the hero." He'll have to buy the library a new copy of the book, and return the others before Brian can get to them.
Julad: I love Brian because he really would tear a page out of a library book to roll a joint. And I love Justin because he really would replace the book. That's why they're perfect for one another, see?
"Whatever," Brian says, lighting up and lying back. "All that matters is that you're a good fuck."
"I'm the best fuck you ever fucking had," Justin declares, grabbing the joint and inhaling deeply. He stubs it out in the ashtray and climbs on top of him. "And we both know it."
Julad: I meant there to be a tiny, tiny little bit of symbolism with the joint, Justin toking and then stubbing it out, putting an end to this whole saga. I also really wanted to get across a double meaning of "best fuck", as in best possible fuck out of a situation, meaning Justin is the best thing that Brian has in his life, but it always came out clunky and I didn't want to be clunky this close to the ending so I gave up.
Justin sits on his chest with his eyebrows raised until Brian smiles up at him.
"Sunshine, you'll do just fine."
Julad: so again with the 'you'll do', which from Brian is the highest form of praise. Justin's the best thing he has in his life, and he knows it! He totally knows it! And then I run around the room squeeing like a girl! The end.
Speranza: I might also add that the "you'll do" line actually does reaffirm Brian as a performer--an actor--one who *does*. Justin *does* rather than is, see? And now I'm taking my pretentious self to the fridge for a beer. *g*
Original story: The Importance of Being Brian
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code to link to this page: <a href="http://www.yearningvoid.net/stories/julad/000076.html">DVD Commentary - The Importance of Being Brian</a> by Julad