15. Goodbye Grandma | << Back | Home
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Goodbye Grandma
'There's still something you've left out,' Mr Snape said.
'I can't think what it could be,' Severus said.
'Give it up,' Mrs Snape said. 'Pack it in. You'll never get it right.'
Mr Snape looked very folorn.
Severus looked pretty fed up, too. He was still kneeling on the ground with the spoon in one had and the cup full of medicine in the other. The ridiculous tiny brown hen was walking slowly away.
At that point, Grandma came striding into the yard. From her enormous height, she glared down at the three people below her and she shouted, 'What's going on around here? Why hasn't anyone brought me my morning cup of tea? It's bad enough having to sleep in the yard with the rats and mice but I'll be blowed if I'm going to starve as well! No tea! No eggs and bacon! No buttered toast!'
'I'm sorry, mother,' Mrs Snape said. 'We've been terribly busy. I'll get you something right away.'
'Let Severus get it, the lazy little brute!' Grandma shouted.
Just then, the old woman spotted the cup in Goerg'e hand. She bent down and peered into it. She saw that it was full of brown liquid. It looked very much like tea. 'Ho-ho!' she cried. 'Ha-ha! So that's your little game, is it! You look after yourself all right, don't you! You make quite sure you've got a nice cup of morning tea! But you didn't think to bring one to your poor old Grandma! I always knew you were a selfish pig!'
'No, Grandma,' Severus said. 'This isn't...'
'Don't lie to me, boy,' the enormous old hag shouted. 'Pass it up here this minute!'
'No!' cried Mrs Snape. 'No, mother, don't! That's not for you!'
'Now you're against me, too!' shouted Grandma. 'My own daughter trying to stop me having my breakfast! Trying to starve me out!'
Mr Snape looked up at the horrid old woman and he smiled sweetly. 'Of course it's for you, Grandma,' he said. 'You take it and drink it while it's nice and hot.'
'Don't think Iwon't,' Grandma said, bending down from her great height and reaching out a huge horny hand for the cup. 'Hand it over, Severus.'
'No, no, Grandma!' Severus cried out, pulling the cup away. 'You mustn't! You're not to have it!'
'Give it to me, boy!' yelled Grandma.
'Don't!' cried Mrs Snape. 'That's Severus' Marvellous...'
'Everything's Severus' round here!' shouted Grandma. 'Severus' this! Severus' that! I'm fed up with it!' She snatched the cup out of little Severus' hand and carried it high up out of reach.
'Drink it up, Grandma,' Mr Snape said, grinning hugely. 'Lovely tea.'
'No!' the other two cried. 'No, no, no!'
But it was too late. The ancient beanpole had already put the cup to her lips, and in one gulp she swallowed everything that was in it.
'Mother!' wailed Mrs Snape. 'You've just drunk fifty doses of Severus' Marvellous Medicine Number Four and look what one tiny spoonful did to that little old brown hen!'
But Grandma didn't even hear her. Great clouds of steam were already pouring out of her mouth and she was beginning to whistle.
'This is going to be interesting,' Mr Snape said, still grinning.
'Now you've done it!' cried Mrs Snape, glaring at her husband. 'You've cooked the old girl's goose!'
'I didn't do anything,' Mr Snape said.
'Oh yes you did! You told her to drink it!'
A tremendous hissing sound was coming from above their heads. Steam was shooting out of Grandma's mouth and nose and ears and whistling as it came.
'She'll feel better after she's let off a bit of steam,' Mr Snape said.
'She's going to blow up!' Mrs Snape wailed. 'Her boiler's going to burst!'
'Stand clear,' Mr Snape said.
Severus was quite alarmed. He stood up and ran back a few paces. The jets of white steam kept squirting out of the skinny old hag's head, and the whistling was so high and shrill it hurt the ears.
'Call the fire-brigade!' cried Mrs Snape. 'Call the police! Man the hose-pipes!'
'Too late,' said Mr Snape, looking pleased.
'Grandma!' shrieked Mrs Snape. 'Mother! Run to the drinking-trough and put your head under the water!'
But even as she spoke, the whistling suddenly stopped and the steam disappeared. That was when Grandma started to get smaller. She had started off with her head as high as the roof of the house, but now she was coming down fast.
'Watch this, Severus!' Mr Snape shouted, hopping aroud the yard and flapping his arms. 'Watch what happens when someone's had fifty spoonfuls instead of one!'
Very soon, Grandma was back to normal height.
'Stop!' cried Mrs Snape. 'That's just right.'
But she didn't stop. Smaller and smaller she got... down and down she went. In another half minute she was no bigger than a bottle of lemonade.
'How d'you feel, mother?' asked Mrs Snape anxiously.
Grandma's tiny face still bore the same foul and furious expression it had always had. Her eyes, no bigger now than little keyholes, were blazing with anger. 'How do I feel? she yelled. 'How d'you think I feel? How would you feel if you'd been a glorious giant a minute ago and suddenly you're a miserable midget?'
'She's still going!' shouted Mr Snape gleefully. She's still getting smaller!'
And by golly, she was.
When she was no bigger than a cigarette, Mrs Snape made a grab for her. She held her in her hands and she cried, 'How do I stop her getting smaller still?'
'You can't,' said Mr Snape. 'She's had fifty times the right amount.'
'I must stop her!' Mrs Snape wailed. 'I can hardly see her as it is!'
'Catch hold of each end and pull,' Mr Snape said.
By then, Grandma was the size of a matchstick and still shrinking fast.
A
'Where is she?' cried Mrs Snape. 'I've lost her!'
'Hooray,' said Mr Snape.
'She's gone! She's disappeared completely!' cried Mrs Snape.
'That's what happens to you if you're grumpy and bad-tempered,' said Mr Snape. 'Great medicine of yours, Severus.'
Severus didn't know what to think.
For a few minutes, Mrs Snape kept wandering round with a puzzled look on her face, saying, 'Mother, where are you? Where've you done? Where've you got to? How can I find you?' But she calmed down quite quickly. And by lunchtime, she was saying, 'Ah well, I suppose it's all for the best, really. She was a bit of a nuisance around the house, wasn't she?'
'Yes,' Mr Snape said. 'She most certainly was.'
Severus didn't say a word. He felt quite trembly. He knew something tremendous had taken place that morning. For a few brief moments he had touched with the very tips of his fingers the edge of a magic world.
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